NBA Bans Taunting, Being Better Than Other Players

By Devin Wallace

NEW YORK - To promote civility and reduce fighting during NBA games, officials have enacted stricter rules forbidding players from taunting their opponents and from being better at the game of basketball in any way.

The new rules refer to players aggressively celebrating after a basket or stop, as well as being more skilled at shooting, passing, rebounding, or any other visible performance metric on the court.

“We want our players to give their all to the game and express themselves in any way they see fit, as long as it’s not visible to the naked eye,” said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver, looking through a telescope to see if Miami Heat Center Bam Adebayo cracked a smile after a block. 

Silver proposes that the new rules will get rid of needless arguments between players, as well as “remove any shred of personality or skill that makes the game worthwhile.”

“Our players’ sneakers won’t be the only thing that’s straight-laced around here,” he added.

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Milwaukee Bucks star Giannis Antetokounmpo, who was ejected from a game recently after receiving two technical fouls for taunting, said it’s his responsibility to limit how he reacts to his baskets and to limit the number of those baskets so as not to upset another grown, adult man.

“I’ve gotta keep everything in check: my emotions, my points, my blocks, and my overall ability as a professional basketball player,” said Antetokounmpo while pretending to slip on a banana peel as he attempted a lay-up. “This is a league of respect and I intend to keep it that way.”

Other points of emphasis within the new rules are as follows:

1. Players have been instructed to not make any gestures after a made basket. Scorers are now required to get on all fours and let an opposing player use them as a human step-stool to make an equalizing basket. 

2. Instead of making the “too small” gesture, players will be required to purchase a Hallmark Card and write a heartfelt note telling the opposing player to never change and to have a great rest of their season.

3. Players are no longer allowed to score more points than the other team and wins and losses are now referred to as “sustains and improvements.”

End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.

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