NBA Announces Mandatory Rest Policy for Aging Benchwarmers

By Devin Wallace

NEW YORK - Following the NBA’s announcement of a new policy that would limit the number of star players sitting out of games, an additional policy would force older, absolutely washed players to sit out the majority of the season, for fans’ sake.

“These policies are about improving the fan experience,” said Commissioner Adam Silver as he blocked George Hill’s number from his phone. “We need to make sure fans are able to see every minute our superstars play, and not a single second of some 38-year-old journeyman bricking shots late in the 4th quarter.”

While the star rest policy applies to players who have made an All-Star team in the last three years, this aging benchwarmer policy applies to any player who has made a fan say “That guy’s still in the league!?”

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Under the new rules, any old player who is within two years of a cushy ESPN commentator job would be limited to one, non-primetime game per week.

Not everyone is happy about the rules, however, saying it should be left to the discretion of coaches.

“How are we supposed to successfully tank for a draft pick if I can’t play Rudy Gay and Kelly Olynyk at the same time?” said Utah Jazz coach Will Hardy. “I understand what the fans want, but I’m concerned with winning and losing. Specifically, losing. These veterans riding out the final years of their careers on minimum contracts are integral to winning and losing. Again, the losing part.”

While the NBA did not have further comment, league officials texted a picture of a chalkboard covered with the names “Taj Gibson, James Johnson, and Jeff Green.”

End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.

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