Nation Shocked to Learn NHL Season Started

By Devin Wallace

Sports fans across the country were shocked by the news that the National Hockey League had begun play in October, over a month ago, a stunning revelation to millions who assumed it would start “sometime in the winter, or whatever.”

“I would bet my entire savings the league didn’t start ‘till Santa season,” said Philadelphia resident Donny D’Angelis while being arrested for punching a bird. “I did bet that, so that’s a ‘me’ problem. But then I saw a bunch of people skating around the arena, and I thought it was something like Nutcracker: On Ice. Then I saw the fights, and so I said it’s definitely Nutcracker: On Ice because the Philly version of that is basically all brawls. But then a Red Wings fan chucked a dead octopus on the ice, and I knew nobody would waste a good ‘pus for that, so I knew it must be hockey season.”

Even fans in states with multiple hockey teams weren’t aware the league had begun official play.

“I don’t have time to deal with another sports league,” said New Yorker Peter Nelson. “Every night I have a baseball game on one TV, the Knicks going on the other, and I’ve got Nets highlights - well mostly lowlights - buzzing on my phone. I’m gonna pretend you didn’t say anything and check back in on this hockey thing around January.”

Hockey experts were confused about how the general population could miss the signs of a new season, like the hordes of Rangers’ fans marauding into Madison Square Garden on the Long Island Railroad, but when asked, most other riders said the sight of rowdy, drunken hockey fans was “just another Wednesday.”