Nation Running Out of Time to Save Itself from Baseball Season

By Lauren Grimaldi

With football season officially over, sports fans and innocent bystanders across the country are bracing for a new horror they won’t be able to escape from if they’re not careful. 

End of the Bench has learned from multiple sources that the rumors are true: baseball season is right around the corner.

As soon as the Kansas City Chiefs clinched their second straight Super Bowl victory, people everywhere began to hunker down and take shelter as pitchers and catchers are set to report to their teams this week with full squad practices starting up soon after.

Chicagoan Ben Knoll said he’s doing everything he can to protect his family before it’s too late, citing concerns that the sport sends the wrong message to his young children.

“The games are way too long and if the players don’t have a chance of getting a concussion every play, what’s the point of even watching?” Knoll explained. “Maybe if they threw at each other’s heads more, but that’s against the rules. And here I thought we lived in a free country.”

Not all are afraid, however, as Baltimore resident and lifelong baseball fan Drew Riley said he can’t wait for the 162-game season to begin.

“I love baseball,” said Riley. “I’ve been needing something to keep me company while I take my afternoon and evening naps. The white noise helps me fall asleep.” 

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With a little over a month to go before the real season begins, leaders across the country are weighing in on the impending crisis.

“Baseball is terrifying,” said President Joe Biden in a statement. “I should know. I was alive when it first started.”

At press time, End of Bench learned that MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred had been taken in for questioning for crimes against humanity.

“Hahaha, you’re all mine now!” said Manfred to a group of reporters outside the jail upon being released on bail. “What are you going to do, watch hockey or go outside? Give me a break! You’re stuck with me until November, losers!”

End of the Bench will continue to update this story as we have more information because we’ve been trapped against our will.