Nation Forever Changed After Learning Soccer Is a Sport

By Emily Knapp

Citizens throughout the country awoke Tuesday morning to the shocking news that soccer is officially a sport. 

End of the Bench has independently confirmed the news after rumors of soccer being played throughout Europe and South America had been passed down for generations, but without sufficient evidence to support any claims.

“I always heard my older sister talking about her youth soccer days, but I thought she was messing with me,” said self-described sports fanatic Brian Upchuck, shaking his head. “Did you know that the U.S. Women’s National Team is one of the best in the world? Apparently, they win almost everything! I’m livid. Years of drinking cheap beer at sporting events wasted on my stupid, shitty baseball team.”

Upchuck isn’t the only one who was feeling bamboozled by the latest revelation. Local governments across the nation are already holding emergency sessions to address this new development.

“The fact that we didn’t know this sport was real, only to find out it was happening within our local communities and even at a national level, is concerning,” said Mitch Mitchell (R-IN) in a statement. “Every American deserves the right to know that soccer exists and to partake in the sport however they please.”

When asked how they plan to handle this earth-shattering information, lawmakers stressed that they were doing everything they could with this unexpected news.

“My members and I are drafting a bill immediately,” said Tammy Tammison (D-CO). “There should be a promise to our citizens that the federal government respects the rights of this sport and its existence. I’ve already spoken to my colleagues across the aisle, and they are completely on board if we allow increased fracking in Oklahoma.”

While government officials work tirelessly to address soccer’s existence, citizens around the country are grappling with how to move on with their lives knowing what they know now.

“I’m supposed to work a double tomorrow, but I don’t know how,” said Jeanie Anderson, a server at a Chicago Buffalo Wild Wings. “I feel like my entire life is a lie. What’s next? They’re going to tell me softball is real? Or women’s golf?”

Like Anderson, a recent poll found most Americans were still processing this monumental shift in their everyday lives. Many said they felt robbed and deceived.

“Why did no one tell us soccer was around?” said River Redford, a reluctant NFL fan. “I tell you what, I’m never watching an NFL game again. I never even liked football! I just felt like I had no other option.”

Despite all the hysteria, a small percentage of Americans are fully embracing the news, feeling seen in a way they have never felt before: as soccer players.

“No one ever believed me when I brought home trophies from soccer tournaments,” said Sam Johnson, a career soccer player. “Everyone thought I was a huge flake when I had to bail on plans because I said I had soccer practice. But now I feel validated. I feel seen.”