Nation Breathes Collective Sigh of Relief After Tua Tagovailoa Finishes Game Without Dying

By Clay Beyersdorfer

MIAMI, FL—In what medical experts, fans, and family members are calling nothing short of a "modern miracle," Miami Dolphins quarterback Tua Tagovailoa made it through Sunday’s game against the Arizona Cardinals without suffering a catastrophic injury—or, more impressively, without dying. 

After missing four games with his third documented concussion since joining the NFL, the 25-year-old quarterback, whom doctors say is now “completely symptom-free” and “familiar with basic greetings,” and “not drooling,” was cleared to return to the field in Week 8 against the Arizona Cardinals, much to the collective horror and cautious optimism of onlookers.

“It’s really the best-case scenario. Tua got out there, threw some passes, avoided any major head trauma, and, to our delight, remained upright through four quarters,” said Dolphins head coach Mike McDaniel, visibly relieved as he assured reporters that Tagovailoa had even remembered the score. “Sure, there were moments when we all held our breath, like when he got hit in the third quarter and kind of stared blankly into space, but then we realized he was just deciding who to throw to. A huge win for Tua, really.”

For Tagovailoa, who has navigated the NFL concussion protocol more times than he’s likely to remember, Sunday’s game was an opportunity to silence critics concerned for his well-being—at least temporarily.

“I know my brain has been through a lot, but after that third concussion, it’s been nothing but smooth sailing,” Tagovailoa said in a post-game interview while nervously glancing at his playbook, where his name was conveniently written in bold letters. “Plus, Coach promised to minimize the number of plays where I’m supposed to get hit, which is, you know, a nice change.”

Across the country, fans watching from home expressed collective relief as Tua jogged off the field at the final whistle, still able to recognize teammates and recount at least three details from the game. 

“I could finally unclench my fists after the first quarter, just realizing he made it out there with all his limbs intact,” said Dolphins fan Carla Peterson. “He’s a strong guy, and if a few memory gaps or repetitive conversations are the cost of greatness, well, he’s definitely the guy to pay it. Can’t wait to see him potentially end his life again next week.”

NFL officials are reportedly satisfied with Tagovailoa’s return, noting that they had revised the league’s concussion protocol to require that players recite at least three seasons of “Dancing with the Stars” hosts before being cleared to play, which Tua accomplished “with flying colors.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we take a breath.

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