MLB Replaces Uniform Pants with Banana Hammocks

By Meg Reid

NEW YORK - Major League Baseball caused an uproar on social media last week when they revealed new Nike-designed player uniforms for the upcoming season. In addition to criticisms that the fabric looked cheap and poorly tailored, players and fans couldn’t help but notice that the uniform’s white pants were quite thin, leaving little to the imagination.

Today, MLB issued an apology for the poorly thought-out uniform design and has vowed to immediately replace the see-through pants with banana hammocks made with thick, opaque material.

“We heard the criticisms and moved to immediately address them,” announced MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred.  “We know that baseball fans want players to be sexualized but in a more tasteful way.  They want their attention drawn to players’ crotches, but not to be able to see every wrinkle and vein of the penis or testicles.  And we are catering to that now with these new, high-cut, snug-fitting plum smugglers, modestly lined with a thick fabric.”

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The announcement comes as a relief for the MLB Players Association, which had been gathering feedback on the new uniforms over the last few weeks and lobbied for immediate changes.

In a complaint, they detailed that the pants were “extremely inappropriate and distracted from the professional display of players’ athletic talent,” noting that the new ‘hot dog holster-style’ design will allow for a more respectful genital ogling of players going forward.

“The league became a Chippendale’s overnight,” said one MLBPA source who wished to remain anonymous. “So if we’re all going to be hanging brain, I guess we might as well go all in.”

The move to banana hammocks is also drawing praise from fans across the country, including Yankees fan Paul Sweet, who said he for one is glad to hear about the change. 

“It was pretty gross having to look at Aaron Judge’s genitals while watching a spring training game with the guys,” he explained, “but being able to imagine what he looks like underneath a chaste zucchini bikini? That’ll get the boys buzzing.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story as soon as we find something to cover our genitals.

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