MLB Renames Cleveland ‘Indians’ Again, But Not Those Indians

By Tom Brown

CLEVELAND—The MLB has officially decided that the Cleveland Guardians will again be the Indians. 

“But not those Indians,” clarified MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred. “I want to be clear: MLB has no room for racism, outside of the Atlanta market. The new ‘Indians’ will honor the hardworking people of India.”

The rebranding is part of a more significant effort to be more inclusive while “recognizing the hard-working American spirit.”

“The people of India who have come to this country are hardworking, family-oriented, and run some of the finest economy hotels and convenience stores in America,” said Cleveland manager Stephen Vogt. “I’ll be proud to manage this team.”

In a press release, the franchise announced it will reinstate some old traditions, like Chief Wahoo. However, instead of the outdated “buck-toothed Indian” caricature, the new logo will resemble Mahatma Gandhi. 

New traditions will also be introduced. For example, when a Cleveland pitcher strikes out a batter, the public address system will erupt with Apu from The Simpsons's voice announcing, “Thank you, come again!”

ESPN is mixing up its programming. Giants fans awoke from a coma this week. Ovechkin has some work left to do. The Pentagon had a HECK of a week. US Soccer has embraced a new strategy for winning. CBS found their next likable anchor!

Not everyone is pleased with the change. 

“This is the new mistake by the lake,” said bridge keeper Sandy Gallagher. “The Guardians meant something to this city. We have a proud tradition of having statues called Guardians on our bridges.”

Hari Kondabolu, comedian and filmmaker behind The Problem with Apu, was equally unimpressed. 

“Y’all missed the point of my movie. This is worse. You do understand this is worse, right?”

For historical context, Cleveland’s original "Indians" name stemmed from the late 1800s when the Spiders team had several Native American players, including Louis Sockalexis. Someone supposedly quipped, “Spiders? We might as well be called the Indians.” That joke somehow became a century-long branding decision.

As part of the rebrand, the team has partnered with 7-Eleven to install Slurpee kiosks throughout Progressive Field. The Cleveland Indians will make their home debut on April 8 against the White Sox, with famed "Indian" actor Fisher Stevens invited to throw the ceremonial first pitch.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we check our privilege.

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