Michigan's Harbaugh Credits Hard Work, Cheating in Every Conceivable Way for National Championship Season

By Maury Levine

ANN ARBOR, MICH. - Following Michigan's 34-13 victory over Washington in Monday’s College Football National Championship Game, head football coach Jim Harbaugh sat down with End of the Bench to discuss how his team won the school's first national championship since 1997.

"First of all, this team worked hard. They came in ready to grind it out and were always focused on the task at hand,” Harbaugh explained. “Second, and more importantly, we cheated in every conceivable way possible. From the first game of the season, through the national championship game, we straight-up ignored every single by-law surrounding sportsmanship and anybody who we may have hurt along the way. I’m so proud of this group.”

Two representatives from Michigan's sports information department then approached Harbaugh, who was suspended earlier in the season over his involvement in cheating, with cautionary words before he continued.

"Anyways, like I was saying. East Carolina - I stole your signs. UNLV - I stole your practice video. Nebraska - I had undercooked meat served at your Friday team dinner causing every player to contract food poisoning. Ohio State - I mugged Brutus Buckeye at knifepoint and stole your playbooks from the last ten years. I did what any team with championship aspirations would have done."

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A third sports information department representative then came into the room and whispered something into Harbaugh's ear.

"Oh of course, of course,” he assured back, winking at the representative. “None of this would have been possible without the help of my good friend, someone who is NOT affiliated with the program at all, Connor Stallions. We have a game ball waiting for you, Connor!"

As all three sports information representatives grabbed Harbaugh and led him out of the room, Harbaugh could be heard screaming an out-of-tune rendition of “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we start playing fairly.

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