Michael Strahan Sets Space Sack Record

By Rich TaylorNEW YORK - Football star and TV personality Michael Strahan took advantage of his recent 10-minute space flight to record the first suborbital sack, in an exclusive video obtained by End of the Bench. Strahan recently soared into space via Blue Origin, Jeff Bezos’ rocket-launching company, sharing the trip with the daughter of America’s first astronaut and four price-unknown-ticket-paying space tourists - a.k.a. obscenely wealthy people. Strahan apparently blindsided Laura Shepard Churchley, 37, the eldest daughter of American hero and Mercury astronaut Alan Shepard. Upon returning to Earth, the Hall of Famer explained that the sack was unplanned prior to launch. "We were like 66 miles up there and weightlessness kicked in. We got to unbuckle and float around, and I saw a couple of the billionaires drift apart just enough while trying to catch a drifting bottle of Cristal,” Strahan said. “The next thing I know, Laura was right there in the C-gap. She was kinda just lost in her thoughts, gazing out the window at Earth or something with her back turned. The rest was just instinct." The gentle former New York Giant shared that he celebrated the sack by performing a 1080-degree somersault. In a chaotic Texas desert post-flight presser Strahan proudly held aloft a tiny piece of the Freedom 7 capsule – a memento Ms. Shepard Churchley had carried with her in tribute to her late father. He then produced a golf ball that the elder Shepard had hit on the moon during his Apollo 14 mission. "Make sure when you all report this that you get it right. Not just a sack. A sack and a fumble recovery. BooYah,” crowed the Good Morning America co-host before spiking the ball onto the hardpan desert floor. As of the filing of this story, the historic ball had not been located. Never one to miss a moneymaking opportunity, Amazon founder Bezos invited others to attempt to surpass the space sack record. “Unless folks like JJ Watt, Bruce Smith, LT, or a bunch of Bosas prove otherwise, it appears Strahan is the greatest sacker in space,” taunted Bezos. “It sure seems like any amount is a small price for someone with any pride at all to pay to prove me wrong. And by any amount, I mean $500,000 or so.” Ms. Shepard Churchley was whisked away for medical treatment and could not be reached for comment. The four uber-wealthy passengers were reportedly left questioning everything they had come to believe up until the previous half-hour.