Michael Phelps Announces New Smokin’ Exercise App

By Paul Lander

Former Olympic swimmer and all-time great Michael Phelps has made a giant splash in the athletic training industry, with the announcement of his new exercise app called Smokin.’

The announcement follows his recent induction into the USA Olympic Hall of Fame and his 28 Medals, 23 of which were Gold.

Phelps discussed his newest venture at a press conference with teary eyes, which he claims were not from marijuana use, but from his sincere desire to share his secrets to athletic success.

“When I have a need for speed, I turn to weed,” Phelps said. 

"When I have a need for speed, I turn to weed," he added, giggling, "In fact, I'm high right now and rhymes make me giggle."

The app will reportedly feature workouts that include regimens like, "If You Take a Hit, You Won't Quit,” a workout Phelps has credited in the past for his record-breaking Olympic performances. 

"You have a friend or coach place donuts or potato chips at each end of the pool,” Phelps said. “You then take a giant bong hit. Trust me, the munchies will do the rest."

Phelps went on to say that on top of providing workouts curtailed to each individual user’s genetic makeup and lung capacity, his app could also affect “performance in a user’s personal life.” 

“Let me tell you, I can't guarantee Smokin’ will make you more virile. But I can't tell you how times I've been asked 'Is that a bong in your Speedos, or are you just glad to see me?'"

The former Olympian has long claimed that using marijuana was one of the reasons for his athletic longevity, pointing out, "The only joint pain I have is when I don't have a joint." 

When reached for additional comment after the press conference, Mr. Phelps chose not to take any questions, instead, asking reporters, 'So, dudes, what do you think about me swimming in dreadlocks?'