Mets Owner Steve Cohen Names Mr. Met New GM

By Skyler HolzmanNEW YORK - After weeks of an exhaustive search for someone to fill the New York Mets’ open GM position, owner Steve Cohen joyously announced on Twitter this week that he had found someone to take on the role.“We’re thrilled to announce that after a long search, we’ve found an incredibly qualified GM, We’re promoting from within and it turns out that the right person, I mean mascot, was there all along -- it’s Mr. Met.” The move has taken the baseball world by storm, with many Mets fans responding to Cohen that they had expected the organization to at least hire a real person without a baseball for a head and with eyes that move. However, Cohen expressed confidence in Mr. Met’s managerial abilities. “It’s really more about what he doesn’t do than what he does do,” said Cohen of Mr. Met’s qualifications. “One of the things that we liked most about him is that he doesn’t drink or drive -- that should really attract some big free agents next season.” Cohen was referencing an incident with former Mets acting GM Zack Scott, who was arrested earlier in 2021 on DUI charges and subsequently released after the cops realized that being the Mets GM was a worse punishment than doing jail time. Mr. Met is well known for his aversion to alcohol and most other drinks, as his plush face that lacks holes makes it difficult for him to consume any liquids at all. When pressed about more of Mr. Met’s intangibles, Cohen was blunt. “We really love that he doesn’t speak, because historically we’ve had problems at this position with GMs speaking words and having opinions.” Cohen continued, “In fact, he’s rarely seen in public outside of Citi Field, which is perfect. We just need someone to sit at a desk and not move or speak or think or really do anything at all, and I think Mr. Met really hit all those bullet points for us.” End of the Bench reached out to Mr. Met about his unexpected promotion, but he had no comment.