Men Prepare Excuses For Watching Women's Beach Volleyball

By Meg Reid

THE WORLD – Straight men across the globe are reportedly preparing for the 2024 Paris Summer Olympics by rehearsing reasonable, sports-related reasons for watching women’s beach volleyball, sources tell End of the Bench.

The preparation comes ahead of the quadrennial tradition of men trying to convince everyone that their interest has nothing to do with watching athletically toned women jumping and grunting in bikinis.

This ritual dates back to 1992 when the first Olympic beach volleyball games were played as a demonstration event. The sport became so popular, for sports-related reasons alone, that it became an official Olympic event in 1992.

In the United States, many men have already begun their preparations.  

A group of men gathered at a Charlotte-area Hooters restaurant told us which Olympic sports they were looking forward to watching, with beach volleyball near the top of the list. 

“Do you know how athletic you have to be to jump on sand?” said Michael Potter, father of two. “These ladies are athletes that need to be respected and given as much attention as possible right now. And hugs, they could use some hugs I bet. Just nice long, respectful, hugs.” 

“There’s a science to picking the right beach volleyball partner, you know.  We don’t talk about that enough.” interjected his friend Alex Simms, as the other men around the table enthusiastically nodded in agreement. “Having two minds be on the same page, same sand and slapping each other’s butts. That’s pure sport right there. It’s practically football.”

Mental health experts around the country have seen this type of behavior before. 

“While they might not even fully realize that they are doing it, we’ve observed similar behavior in chimpanzees” renowned sports psychologist Maria Salvez explained. ”The males will congregate and watch the females clean themselves from afar, claiming to be “protecting them,” and while they think they’re not being caught, every animal in the rain forest knows what they’re doing.”

Before leaving Hooters, a man who had been silent during our earlier conversation with his Potter and Sims approached EOTB and wanted to explain why he was also a fan of beach volleyball.

“Things just aren’t the same for US beach volleyball since Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh Jennings retired. That undefeated ‘98 Long Beach team Misty was part of was just electric to watch.  And somehow after that her standing topspin serve only got better.” he said with deep reverence. “I just didn’t want those guys to hear me saying how much I admire beach volleyball players – men and women – as athletes and professionals.”

End of the Bench will have more after we find a partner for beach volleyball.

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