Manager Feels Like “Huge Dick” After Learning Umpire is Actually Blind

By Clay Beyersdorfer

CHICAGO — In a stunning turn of events during a recent game between the Chicago Cubs and the St. Louis Cardinals, Cubs manager, David Ross, revealed that he felt like a “huge dick” after discovering that the home plate umpire, Joe Reynolds, was, in fact, blind. 

The realization came after Ross had spent the better part of the game berating Reynolds for his missed strike calls, specifically accusing him of being "as blind as Ray Charles walking through a haunted house."

Ross, who had been loudly criticizing the umpire throughout the game, was taken aback when Reynolds calmly removed his umpire's mask to reveal a pair of white cane sunglasses. 

It was at that moment the Cubs manager realized the gravity of his remarks and instantly felt like the “world's biggest piece of human shit.”

"I... I had no idea," Ross stammered, a look of shame washing over his face during a post-game interview. "I mean, I've called umpires blind before, but I never actually meant it literally. How could I have been so blind to his blindness?"

Fans at the game recall the exact moment Ross realized his blunder as a collective gasp swept through the stadium.

“The phrase ‘deer in the headlights’ doesn’t even describe the look on his face,” a Cubs fan told End of the Bench. “More like ‘deer ran over on the highway multiple times while gasping for his last bit of air.’”

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Players from both teams rallied around Reynolds following the altercation, giving him an impromptu standing ovation for his service. Meanwhile, Ross sank into the dugout bench, contemplating whether or not he was indeed, the world’s worst person.

As news of the incident spread, fans nationwide have started to question the wisdom of MLB managers constantly berating umpires for missed calls, with many suggesting that sensitivity training courses be mandatory for all managers, ensuring they understand the impact their words can have on visually impaired people.

Ross has vowed to make amends, pledging to donate a significant portion of his salary to organizations supporting the visually impaired. In addition, he plans to spend his free time volunteering at local organizations, talking with those in the blind community, as well as punch himself in the face repeatedly.

As to whether or not his sudden change of heart will have lasting effects?

That remains to be seen.

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