Man Spends Months Preparing For Fantasy Football Draft, Divorce Proceedings

By Devin Wallace

PITTSBURGH — Fantasy football aficionado Richie Davis has spent the past five months using all his free time to study and prepare for his league’s upcoming fantasy draft and his impending divorce, sources tell End of the Bench.

Davis, who is gearing up for a 12-team PPR league and the complete breakdown of his seventeen-year marriage to his wife Diane, intends to be fully prepared for this year’s draft and this irreversibly horrendous shift in his life.

“I have everything I need to set me up for success: a perfect draft strategy, subscriptions to dozens of podcasts and fantasy football research services, and two fraternity buddies who said I can sleep on their couch when the judge awards the house to my wife, said Davis while searching for storage spaces on Craiglist. “Or, ex-wife, I guess I should say now.”

The 37-year-old Outback Steakhouse manager and three-time last-place finisher in his league says he’s never been more focused on anything in his life, especially his crumbling marriage.

“Every day I take the most important phone calls. My lawyer is calling to say I might lose custody of my kids Zach…and the other one. Still, more importantly, my buddy Tank said he’ll give me his Creed tickets if I trade him my number one draft pick,” said Davis, quickly remembering to send his son a Circuit City gift card as a birthday gift. “Every night before bed I ask myself, am I ready to give up the greatest gift I’ve ever been given: the sweet, sweet first overall pick…”

All of the outside obligations, from hanging out with friends and having a fun time swapping fantasy stories to heart-wrenching calls from his parents wondering where they went wrong, have taken a toll on Davis.

“I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t affecting my overall health, I can’t wait for this to be over,” Davis said. “Draft day can’t come soon enough.”

He says so many people have reached out, it’s hard to know what advice to listen to.

“I have a lot of people calling me, saying I need to respond to this lawsuit or vacate that house in 30 days or whatever, but you have to tune out the noise and listen to the people that matter,” said Davis, muting his lawyer to listen to a Yahoo Sports clip about Justin Jefferson. “If I paid my lawyers, I wouldn’t be able to afford a subscription to DougsDraftDoghouse.net, and a lot of people say that subscription is important, especially Doug, from DougsDraftDoghouse.net.”

Davis was last seen at the county courthouse asking a bailiff for the WiFi password, saying he needed to update his rankings for the kicker he plans to take in the fourth round.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we visit Doug’s Draft Dog House.

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