Man On the Run for Murder Asks Fantasy Football League to Move Draft Online

By Clay Beyersdorfer

CHICAGO — Local fugitive Carl "Killer" Jensen has requested his fantasy football league to move their upcoming draft online, citing "logistical challenges" related to his ongoing murder investigation, sources tell End of the Bench.

Jensen, who is currently evading authorities after allegedly committing a gruesome homicide, reached out to his league members late Sunday night. 

End of the Bench received screenshots of the sent texts early Monday morning from an anonymous source.

“Hey guys, minor snag this year. I’m kinda tied up with some stuff, so can we just do the draft on Zoom?” read one message, followed by a thumbs-up emoji and a GIF of Tom Brady throwing a touchdown.

The text was “a surprise” according to league commissioner Mike Thompson

“I mean, Carl’s always been serious about fantasy football,” Thompson said when reached for comment. “But we didn’t expect him to be this committed. I respect the dedication, not everybody could handle a fantasy football team and the guilt of killing 13 people. Some people are just built different.” 

The league was split on how to move forward as late as Monday evening. 

“I get it, life happens,” a text from fellow league member Jason Millhouse read. “But you know what? We all have our problems. I’m dealing with a divorce, and Steve’s kid just joined the Proud Boys. But they’re not missing the in-person draft, are they?”

Despite the gravity of his alleged crime, Jensen remained focused on the upcoming season.

“I’m not going to let a little manhunt ruin my chances at winning the league this year,” another text from the alleged murderer read. “Last year, I got killed in the playoffs, but this year, I’ll be doing the killing.”

Authorities, meanwhile, have expressed frustration at Jensen's ability to remain at large while still actively managing his fantasy team. 

"We’ve traced his phone to five different locations, but every time we close in, he slips through the cracks,” said Detective Sarah Collins. “This guy is harder to lock up than Ray Lewis.”

As the draft date approaches, league members are nervously awaiting the final decision. Some have even suggested postponing the draft until Jensen’s legal issues are resolved, though others worry this could give him an unfair advantage.

“You did this all on purpose you rat fuck,” a text to Jensen from another league member said. “You should be thrown in jail for this, or at least lose your first-round pick.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we finish one more mock draft.

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