Lonely Lineman Longs For Holding

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By Devin Wallace

NEW YORK—New York Jets Defensive Tackle Javon Kinlaw was reportedly upset at the level of holding in Monday’s game against the San Francisco 49ers, saying he didn’t experience nearly enough human contact to feel connected to others amid this lonely, tumultuous void of life.

“I thought the holding - specifically the fact that I didn’t feel the comforting touch of a single person in the game - was ridiculous,” said Kinlaw, staring longingly out a locker room window. “I live by myself and don’t go out much, so Sunday is the only day I get to experience the bliss of skin-to-skin human contact. I know a two hundred and eighty pound left tackle can’t place a tender palm on my cheek because of my helmet, but sometimes it feels like it’s not just my head in a cage; it’s also my heart.”

Kinlaw, who voiced his displeasure on social media and in his diary after the game, made his feelings known to his opponents on the offensive line. 49ers Center Jake Brendel said a player like Kinlaw is so effective at getting into your head and an impromptu embrace.

“We spent all week game planning for their pass rush and how they’re going to get to our quarterback, but we didn’t plan for how they’re going to get their arms around us and whisper thank you,” said Brendel, deleting a request from Kinlaw on LinkedIn. “I’ll admit I hooked him with my arm, but when I tried to let go, he kept making random conversation, asking about the weather, my kids, and my thoughts on the upcoming elections. I’m trying to block for an outside zone run, and he’s asking me if I think Kamala can take Ohio.”

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During one second-quarter play, Kinlaw drew a flag from the referees. Both players argued about holding the call to the officials, with Brendel screaming that he barely touched him and Kinlaw saying the same thing, but quietly, with a single tear running down his cheek.

Kinlaw’s desperate attempts at human connection weren’t limited to passing or rushing plays. After a fumble, the definitive tackle found himself at the bottom of the pile, shouting, “I’ve got it! I’ve got it!” in a futile attempt to convince opposing players to wrap themselves around him and try to wrestle the football free.

Moving on from Week One’s loss of the game and the chance to feel his love language of physical touch, Kinlaw says he’s already preparing for next week's matchup against the Tennessee Titans. 

Sources tell End of the Bench the fourth-year pro spent the flight back to New York studying game tapes and videos of Titans Left Guard Peter Skoronski on Facebook to see what he likes and dislikes and how Kinlaw can forge a gentle but lasting connection in an increasingly distant modern world.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after somebody holds us.

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