Local Woman Prepares For Football Season By Shutting Down Preseason Mansplainer

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By Meg Reid

TAMPA BAY—Local Buccaneers fan Melanie Reeves geared up for the 2024 NFL season Friday by deftly shutting down a man who attempted to explain the basics of football to her during the first quarter of the team’s last preseason game against the Miami Dolphins.

Witnesses saw local man Kevin Derk approach lifelong Buccaneers fan Reeves approximately three minutes after she arrived at Duckies Sports Bar to watch the Bucs’ third preseason game.

“As soon as Reeves walked in, I saw Derk eyeing her and thought, ‘Oh boy, this isn’t going to give her much of a chance to settle into the pocket,’” a fellow bar patron recalled. “Derk is a tough matchup, the guy does not quit. Even after the police tell him to.”

According to eyewitness accounts, Reeves looked a bit caught off guard as Derk posted up next to her about a minute after kickoff, making those watching wonder if she was still rusty from the offseason. 

As Derk turned to her during a crucial third down and asked if she knew Tom Brady wasn’t on the team anymore, she stumbled for a moment, smiling and laughing it off.

However, as he quizzed her about who the current Buccaneers starting quarterback is and about the history of Heisman Trophy winners in the NFL before she could even respond, she cut him off.  Reeves explained calmly but firmly that she was well aware of Bucs quarterbacks throughout the franchise’s past, having gone to games with her parents since she was eight years old.

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“She was a little shaky there in the beginning, but she bounced back with that response. By the time he asked her if she learned about football from a boyfriend, clearly not listening to anything she had already said, she looked to be in midseason form,” commented Jim Nantz as he turned to fellow broadcaster Tony Romo, who for some reason was also at the bar watching the Reeves-Derk preseason skirmish. “Let’s just hope she can keep her composure late and hold it together.”

“I certainly wouldn’t know anything about that,” added Romo, while inhaling a Buffalo wing. 

After Derk’s question about the true origins of her fandom, Reeves told him that she’d prefer to focus on the game rather than make small talk, but that if he had any questions about the rules or players he could ask her during a commercial.

“I haven’t seen shutdown defense like that in a decade,” said another bar patron. “Felt like watching Warren Sapp and John Lynch all over again.”

At press time, Reeves was taking a breather from her stint on defense before she went on offense to warn another woman watching the game across the bar about Derk as he began to approach her.

End of the Bench will have more after we check ourselves before we wreck ourselves.

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