Local Stoner Disappointed to Learn Super Bowl Is About Football

By Clay Beyersdorfer

ST. LOUIS - In an astonishing turn of events that has left many in disbelief, local stoner Kyle "Kush" Johnson was reportedly shocked to learn that the Super Bowl refers to a major sporting event and not a celebratory gathering centered around a large bowl of marijuana.

Johnson, notorious among his friends for his laid-back vibe and profound love for all things cannabis, had mistakenly believed he was gearing up for the ultimate stoner holiday. 

"I was all in," Johnson confessed, still reeling from the shock. "I thought the Super Bowl was the peak of weed culture. I even splurged on a top-of-the-line bong for what I thought was going to be the highlight of the year. It looks like a Smurf’s penis too, it’s awesome."

The confusion unraveled when Johnson, in his enthusiasm, started detailing his Super Bowl party plans to a friend, who then broke the news about the event's true nature. 

"I was picturing a chill night with close-ups of artisanal bowls on TV, maybe a tutorial on perfecting the blunt roll, some bags of candy to munch on" Johnson lamented. "Instead, I'm told it's about touchdowns and quarterbacks. This is worse than that time I tripped acid and ruined my sister’s wedding." 

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Facing the reality of his mix-up, Johnson couldn't help but question the universe's mysterious ways. 

“It’s like we’re living in an alternate reality or something, man,” he quipped, taking a drag from last night’s blunt. "What's next? Finding out 4/20 isn't officially recognized by the government?"

Undeterred by this setback, Johnson is now rallying his friends for a different kind of celebration. 

"Why not have our own Super Bowl, right?" he proposed, now visibly high off his fucking ass. "A festival where the vibes are always high, and the only passes we worry about are puff, puff, pass."

As Super Bowl Sunday approaches, Johnson and his crew are plotting to reclaim the day in their way, envisioning a laid-back gathering that celebrates cannabis culture. 

"This mix-up has sparked a whole new tradition," Johnson announced with newfound determination. "Let's make the Super Bowl our bowl. This is just the start of something big."

In the meantime, Johnson vows to be more diligent in his event research. 

"Guess I should've hit up Google before getting all hyped up," he admitted with a chuckle. "I’m so fucking frosted right now."

End of the Bench will have more on this story as soon as we roll this last joint.