Local Psychopath Somehow Managing to Run Without Earbuds In

By Clay Beyersdorfer

COLUMBUS - In a shocking display of deviance from societal norms, local man Roger Stevenson has defied all expectations by going for a jog without earbuds, End of the Bench has learned. 

Witnesses were dumbfounded as they watched Stevenson run through the neighborhood park, completely oblivious to the melodic tone of Taylor Swift or the motivational speeches of Tony Robbins.

"I've never seen anything like it," exclaimed Jane Thompson, an avid jogger who happened to be in the park at the time. "What’s he listening to? Himself breathing? His immediate surroundings and oncoming traffic? Seems suspicious if you ask me.”

When reached for comment, Stevenson seemed entirely unfazed by the absence of his usual auditory accompaniment.

“Music can be nice, and obviously to each their own, but I run to disconnect and to vent my frustration in a happy and healthy manner,” he said. “I didn’t think I was hurting anybody here.”

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His neighbors, however, disagree.

"I can’t even start my day or talk to my children or husband without having earbuds in, let alone go out and exercise. I mean God forbid if somebody crossed his path. What are they supposed to do, strike up a conversation? Ask how his day is going?" said Thompson, shaking her head in disbelief. "He's just scary, honestly. I wish the cops would get this guy off the streets already."

As news of Stevenson’s behavior spread throughout town and online, experts in psychological behavior and fitness physiology are reevaluating everything they thought they knew about the human psyche. 

Renowned psychiatrist Dr. Sarah Walters, who specializes in abnormal behavior, offered a perplexing analysis.

"Running without earbuds requires a certain level of detachment from reality," Walters stated. "It's possible that Mr. Stevenson has reached a level of inner peace where he no longer requires the musical or podcast-induced distractions that most of us rely on [when exercising]. Or perhaps he's just a complete fucking lunatic who gets pleasure from the sound of his own heavy breathing. We can't rule anything out at this point."

When further questioned about his unconventional running habits, Stevenson simply shrugged and muttered something about "just trying to exercise here."

Observers took this as confirmation of his unusual mental state, with some even speculating that he might be onto something more nefarious.

“You can’t trust people who run without earbuds,” another neighbor who wished to remain anonymous said. “Has anyone even checked to see where this guy was on 9/11?”

End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.

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