Local Man Would Have Gone For It There

By Meg Reid

BUFFALO, N.Y. — In a story out of Third Base Sports Bar, local man Matt Robertson announced that when the Buffalo Bills decided to punt on fourth down late in the third quarter of their wild-card playoff game against the Denver Broncos, he “would have gone for it there.”

The proclamation sent shockwaves through the bar as fellow fans turned to Robertson, rapt with attention as they awaited his explanation.

“I mean, you’re in their territory, it’s getting to the end of the game, take a chance, you know?” he explained between sips of his seventh Miller Lite.

When another fan pointed out that going for it on fourth down near midfield could have jeopardized the Bills’ lead, Robertson provided a detailed rebuttal that began with, “All these coaches are too scared to play the game anymore. They don’t know what they are doing, they’re soft…” and ended 17 minutes later with the claim, “I could do better than these clowns.”

Robertson, 51, is no stranger to bold declarations. During the Bills’ last regular season game against the Patriots, he made the same claim that he would have gone for it on fourth down nine times, narrowly missing his personal record of saying it 11 times during one game. He also reportedly declared his love for two women sitting together at the end of the bar, who both pretended they didn’t hear him.

“Yeah, we’re actually a couple. Not that I would be interested anyway,” clarified one of the women. “But hey, I guess I can’t blame him for going for it.”

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Despite skepticism and/or annoyance from a few patrons, most at the bar admired Robertson for saying that he would have gone for it there, expressed appreciation for his courage, and wholeheartedly endorsed him as the team's next head coach.

“He’s really got a point. Let this guy call the shots!” exclaimed fellow game-watcher Carl Graves in the general direction of the TV. “Fuck it, go for it, man!”

Robertson, who has never coached or played football, appreciates that his bravery is being recognized and is confident that if he were the head coach, he would make all the right decisions to lead the Bills to victory.

“While some successful NFL coaches never played football at the professional level, nearly all played at some level, in addition to working their way up from coaching high school or college teams and serving in assistant roles first,” explained football historian Adrian Meyer when asked about Robertson’s chances of becoming the next Bills head coach.

At press time, Robertson was interrupting himself while ordering another beer to loudly lament that the team was going to punt rather than attempt an 87-yard field goal.

The Buffalo Bills won the game 31-7, advancing to the divisional round of the playoffs.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we go for it.

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