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- Local Man Prepares to Say "I Could Do That" For Every Olympic Sport
Local Man Prepares to Say "I Could Do That" For Every Olympic Sport
Believe me, bro.
I could totally do that.
By Rebecca Crowe
TOLEDO, Oh. - A local man has been mentally preparing to say “I could do that” for every Olympic sport for the past four years.
Gary Watson, an unemployed former electrician who hasn’t done physical exercise since the mid-90s, suffers from a state of delusion that means he believes he can compete against the best athletes in the world.
This has become something of tradition every for years for Watson, who following the 2020 Tokyo Games, claimed that he could throw a javelin further than 80 meters.
“It’s a spear, how hard could it actually be? Do these people realize how much they’re embarrassing themselves?” asked Watson when reached for comment. “It’s crazy people can lack that much self-awareness.”
When further pressed about his history of self-proclaimed athletic prowess, Watson was bullish.
“I’d have gone all the way in field hockey if I hadn’t pulled my knee,” he said. “No doubt about it in my mind, I’d be in Paris right now stuffing my face with chocolate croissants.”
According to his high school records, Watson tried out for and was cut for 27 teams over four years. He also showed a repeated history of missing gym class with “flu-like symptoms.”
“Even Jordan had a flu game, so what?” he quipped. “I didn’t need gym anyways, I was too busy talking to chicks.”
When discussing the upcoming games in Paris, Watson believes he would medal in rhythmic gymnastics, diving, and archery. He also claims he “would at least reach the medal round” of surfing, swimming, and weightlifting.
Despite not being selected nor even remotely considered for any Olympic teams, Watson remains optimistic about his perceived athletic success.
“Seeing these incredible athletes and comparing my superior abilities will be my crowning achievement,” he said. “Knowing I could have been out there if I wanted to be is the single greatest accomplishment of my entire life.”
In terms of the events he’s most looking forward to, Watson has said, “It’s all the same to me, I could do them all standing on my head, except Breaking - I could do that standing on my feet.”
End of the Bench will have more on this story after we find our fencing gear in the garage.
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