Local Man Lost Without Need to Check Fantasy Team’s Injury Status

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By Mike Range

HIGHLAND HEIGHTS, Ohio – As the 2024 NFL regular season ended Sunday, local fantasy sports enthusiast Marvin Roundhouse found himself grappling with a void in his life after realizing he no longer had to frantically research the health of his fantasy football team on Sunday mornings.

“It’s something of an existential crisis,” said Roundhouse, framing the inkjet-printed certificate celebrating his fourth-place finish in the Chaotic Cleveland Fantasy Football League. “Who am I, if not the guy reading six fantasy advice blogs while bingeing pregame update podcasts to confirm my RB2 will play through a nagging hip pointer against the Packers? Paying attention to anything else feels like such a waste of time.”

As his son left the breakfast table in tears, Roundhouse continued, “Just last week, while trying to gain an edge in our league’s consolation game, I was laser-focused on concussion protocols and grade 2 medial collateral ligament sprains. Now, what am I supposed to care about? Church? The Browns? Come on.”

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Though the lack of injury updates and expert analysis on tweaked knees or strained hamstrings is challenging enough, Roundhouse said the pause in relationships may be the toughest part of the fantasy season's conclusion.

“The folks in the NFL injury chatrooms are some of my best friends. NinersNate16 and I may not agree on the recovery time for a fractured proximal fifth metatarsal, but we really bonded over Isaac Guerendo’s Week 14 hamstring injury, which killed our championship chances. Without that, we won’t talk again until July. Honestly, I doubt I’ll even use the computer until next season. Sure, there’s porn, but all I can think is that someone’s coming out of that with a groin strain.”

Roundhouse admitted there may be one bright side to the end of his fantasy season—a more refreshing approach to watching football.

“There’s a nostalgic pleasure in watching the NFL playoffs like I did as a kid—leaning in for the replay of a wide receiver getting blown up by a safety, just for the pure, visceral enjoyment of watching another human writhe in pain. Not caring how the multiple directions his leg is bending impacts my matchup against my brother-in-law next week is kind of freeing. But it will never compare to the giddiness of rushing to the waiver wire to snipe his backup.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story after refreshing our fantasy app.

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