Local Man Locks in for Seven Hours of Football-Free Political Ads

By Clay Beyersdorfer

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — In a decision met with confusion by his friends and family, local resident Greg Winters has committed to spending his entire Sunday watching seven uninterrupted hours of political advertisements, successfully avoiding the chaos of NFL football.

“I just can’t handle the games getting in the way of a nice, steady stream of Kamala Harris and Donald Trump attack ads,” said Winters, 38, as yet another spot flashed across the screen, claiming the future of democracy was one candidate away from collapse. “There’s nothing like the perfect blend of fear, anger, and hopelessness, all without a single touchdown ruining the vibe.”

With the 2024 presidential election only weeks away, Winters expressed appreciation for the relentless barrage of campaign messages. In his view, it has provided a much-needed escape from the stress of fantasy football.

“Why watch overpaid athletes run around when I could listen to Kamala Harris and Donald Trump explain how they’ll either save or destroy America?” Winters said, his remote untouched since 9 a.m. “Football’s fine, but this—this is the real action.”

Winters, who usually spends his Sundays flipping between four games on NFL Sunday Ticket, now marvels at the creativity of political consultants. 

“The ads are like mini-movies. There’s always that moment where someone looks directly into the camera, tells me my future is at stake, and then cuts to grainy footage of their opponent looking like they just committed a crime,” he said. “Honestly, who needs sports when you’ve got that?”

Despite his newfound love for wall-to-wall campaign ads, Winters admitted that it’s not without its drawbacks. 

“Yeah, the nonstop cycle of fear-mongering is a little exhausting,” he said, rubbing his eyes. “But at least I don’t have to deal with five-yard penalties interrupting the flow. That would just distract me from the comfort of knowing that if Trump wins, my freedoms are gone, and if Harris wins, the country’s bankrupt by 2025.”

As Election Day approaches, Winters is preparing himself for the inevitable end of campaign season. 

“I’m gonna miss this after November 5,” he sighed. “But, I’ve already set my sights on the 2028 election ads. Maybe I can just skip the entire football season that year.”

At press time, Winters’ family reportedly planned an intervention to remind him that he is also eligible to vote despite his newfound obsession with the ads. 

He had yet to consider this fact while Googling ways to permanently mute the word “bipartisan.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we register to vote.

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