Local Man Leaves Birth of Firstborn Child to Beat Post-Game Traffic

In partnership with

By Parker Johnson 

CINCINNATI — A local man who was just about to witness the birth of his firstborn child reportedly left the hospital right before the child was delivered, sources tell End of the Bench.

Witnesses at Mercy Hospital reported that David Sampson, who had been eagerly awaiting the arrival of his son, frequently checked the clock and his phone as his wife went into back-breaking labor. 

“Look, this parking garage is gonna be a bitch to get out of,” the father-to-be said. “Even when there are fewer people in here, following the signage to the exit and fumbling for my credit card to pay for everything is going to be so annoying. If I’m behind my mother-in-law, things are just going to be even worse. Plus, once you watch enough of the game, you just know how it’s gonna end. The team is doing great– the team, in this case, being my wife and son– and I’ll come to catch another game and stay the whole time when things are looking a bit more competitive. For now, I’d much rather get home after a long day.”

All your news. None of the bias.

Be the smartest person in the room by reading 1440! Dive into 1440, where 3.5 million readers find their daily, fact-based news fix. We navigate through 100+ sources to deliver a comprehensive roundup from every corner of the internet – politics, global events, business, and culture, all in a quick, 5-minute newsletter. It's completely free and devoid of bias or political influence, ensuring you get the facts straight.

Subscribe to 1440 today.

Samson’s wife, Amanda, was not too happy with his decision to beat the traffic, no matter how he pleaded his case.

“He did what?” she was heard saying across the entire hospital. “He said he was going to pull my mother’s car up for her! This is ridiculous. You know, we were at a Reds game earlier this year and we left at the start of the eighth inning because we were up by 5 and he ‘had a good feeling’ about the rest of the game. They ended up losing by 10. If you’re that scared of the post-game traffic, we can just Uber. I guess I didn’t think that would even be a passing consideration today.”

After a lengthy phone call, David was seen driving back towards the hospital parking lot.

“There’s a lot of reasons to return to the stadium when the game’s nearly over,” he said. “Chief among them is when your wife calls you saying that you’re a dumbass and you need to turn the damn car around this instant, or else.”

At press time, David’s arrival back to the arena was delayed by his frantic search for the largest flower bouquet in town to try and quell his wife’s wrath.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we leave before things get crazy.

Related stories: