Local Insomniac Grateful for Return of Major League Baseball

By Doug Kolic

PITTSBURGH – Local insomniac Gavin Clark expressed continued gratitude this week for the return of Major League Baseball after a work stoppage delayed the beginning of the season.

“I had the worst sleep all winter, I’m so happy the season is back! I tried everything to treat my chronic insomnia; exercise, sleeping pills, alcohol, but the only guaranteed method of falling into a deep, undisturbed slumber is the excruciatingly slow pace of MLB,” stated a refreshed-looking Clark.

He detailed to EOTB the history of his nighttime routine and what got him started. 

“My problems began a few years ago after I started working nights, which threw off my normal sleep routine. I’ve never been much of a baseball fan, but one day the batteries in my remote control died while the TV was tuned to Sunday Night Baseball, and holy shit next thing I know I was in the deepest sleep of my life!” stated Clark.

That deep slumber he attributes to a number of different facets of America's pastime. 

“I’m not sure if it was the combination of all those weak ground balls, the numerous strikeouts, the action-killing mound visits, or Joe Buck’s voice that did it, but all I know is I crashed like a goddamn baby,” Clark added. “I’d like to thank the owners and the MLBPA for ratifying the new CBA and doing what’s best for fans and their sleep disorders!”

Clark’s roommate Trent Chambers explained how discovering baseball a few years ago "turned his friend’s life around."

“I tried to get Gavin into baseball for years and to show him the quiet beauty in it, but he always refused, saying it was just too boring. Then one night I come home to find our 80-Inch flat screen tuned to an eleventh-inning 0-0 pitching duel, and him snoring with drool all over his face. I was so happy and disgusted for him at the same time,” stated a supportive Chambers.

He went on to talk about the impact it has had on their long-term friendship. 

“I assumed he passed out from the lagers he’d been drinking all day but turns out it was just the monotonous sights and sounds of America’s favorite pastime,” continued Chambers. “It was a win for both of us - Gavin finally got some much-needed rest, and I was able to enjoy the camaraderie of watching my favorite sport with my best friend. He’s never fallen asleep before me, so it was rewarding to finally be able to sharpie a penis on his forehead for once.”

World-renowned sleep expert Dr. Margaret Laslow chimed in with her opinion on the connection between sleep and Major League Baseball and offered some recommendations.

“There’s definitely a correlation between getting some good Z’s and watching baseball, so if that’s something the league wants to change, they need to continue innovating new rules that result in games ending quicker than it takes to drive from New York to Boston, otherwise they’re in serious jeopardy of becoming the new golf,” stated Laslow. “Or they could just simply lean into it and start partnering up with local mattress stores and sleep deprivation clinics in order to open up new revenue streams for a market that already exists. Selling MLB-branded sleep apnea machines might be pretty cool.”

As of press time, Clark was reportedly halfway through a Pirates-Reds doubleheader when he fell into a deep coma and could not be resuscitated.