Local Dad Out 3-4 Weeks with Jean Shorts Tear

By Devin Wallace

MILWAUKEE - In a devastating series of events, local father Brett Mathis has been ruled out of any public gatherings for the next three to four weeks after suffering a tear in his favorite pair of jean shorts over the weekend, sources close to the fifty-five-year-old tell End of the Bench.

“You never want to see that happen, especially not at the first BBQ of the year,” said Mathis’ brother Clark. “Just a routine move, he bent down to grab a cold IPA from the cooler, and boom. Clean tear right down the crack. As soon as I saw those bright white briefs, I knew it was a bad one.”

The tear will put him out of commission “until he can get to a Marshall’s.”

While Mathis initially attempted to socialize through the injury, further tests in the bedroom mirror determined he would have to put the shorts on the shelf for at least three weeks.

“It felt like something I could work through,” the father of three said while searching for JCPenny promo codes online. “I’ve played through tears before, whether it’s during cornhole or Kan Jam. Remember when I grilled up those brats with my cracked sunglasses on?” 

“I wanted to stay, but the boss pulled me out,” he added, referencing his wife of thirty years, Cheryl. 

The high school sweetheart and solver of all problems confirmed pulling him late in the afternoon. 

“We’re not risking the future, especially not for a BBQ. It wasn’t even a family reunion. I told him to hit the showers and I’d sew them right up, as soon as I can find that darn box of thread,” she said while searching through decade-old boxes in their basement.

Despite the unfortunate news, Mathis is "confident" he’ll be back with plenty of time to break in a new pair of jean shorts before the big Labor Day BBQ and Bocce Ball Tournament.