Local Dad Excited to Joke “Pardon My French” During Paris Olympics

By Ryan David

PITTSBURGH—With the 2024 Summer Olympics nearly underway, local dad Carl Reuben is ready to debut his groan-inducing humor in a major way: by joking, “Pardon my French,” during the Paris Olympics.

While athletes have spent years vying to compete among the best, Reuben has tirelessly flipped through joke books in a steadfast quest to pester friends, family, and fellow PTA members. 

And his big moment is near.

“We know an excruciating one-liner is coming but what or when is anyone’s guess,” said Tyson, Reuben’s son. “Dad’s been workshopping all kinds of gags, from archery to his tight 5000-metre routine. The other day he painstakingly recounted Who’s on First? to my Little League coach. It’s exhausting.”

Reuben’s career of cringy wisecracks has established him as the community’s foremost jokester, and he is perhaps best known for a now infamous quip during the 2016 Olympics. 

After a pole vaulter was clotheslined by a bar, Reuben remarked, “And I thought Trump was behind in the polls!”—an effort that earned a perfect five out of five eye-rolls from his children.

But no meteoric rise is without hiccups.

During the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, a joke that was seen by many as racist ended Reuben’s Olympic set and landed him in hot water with the neighbors.

“We had an unfortunate incident in 2021, but Dad apologized to the Taylors and will not watch ping pong this year,” said Reuben’s daughter, Sarah, in an official family statement. “We regret the pain this caused the families across the street that may have been watching.”

Reuben has also recognized the error of his ways.

“I’ve learned my lesson,” said Reuben. “Now, I stick to the classics, like ‘Hi Hungry, I’m Dad,’ and intentionally mistaking Austria for Australia.”

When asked if he felt confident ahead of the Paris games, Carl said, “Let’s put it this way: knock knock.” Upon End of the Bench inquiring, “Who’s there?” he replied, “Luke.”

When then asked, “Luke who?” Carl declared, “Luke the hell out, baby. ’Cause here comes Dad.”

Whether “Pardon my French,” will have a lasting effect remains to be seen. Until that reveal, Reuben’s family says they await the Olympics’ conclusion so Carl can return to saying, “First base? Buy a guy a drink first!” while watching Mets games.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we cringe ourselves into another dimension.

Related stories: