Local Child "Unsure" When First Off-Season Begins

DULUTH, Mn. — Local 8-year-old prodigy, Ethan "Triple Threat" Henderson, expressed genuine confusion this week when asked about his upcoming off-season. 

The pint-sized athlete, who juggles soccer, basketball, baseball, and competitive underwater basketweaving, admitted he has no idea what an off-season is, prompting a mix of concern and resignation from his overzealous parents.

"I think an off-season is like when we switch from soccer cleats to basketball sneakers, right?" Ethan pondered aloud while adjusting his grip on a 7-iron during his bi-weekly golf lesson right before his quarterly piano recital.

His father, Dave Henderson, a self-proclaimed sports guru, and full-time accountant, clarified Ethan's misconception. 

"Off-season? That's for kids who aren't committed. Ethan's got a schedule tighter than an Olympic gymnast's leotard,” the older Henderson added. “If we give him a break, he might get distracted by silly things like 'friends' or 'imagination.' You think we want him to turn out gay or something?"

Ethan's mother, Karen Henderson, nodded in agreement while coordinating a snack schedule that included protein shakes, kale chips, and high-performance electrolytes. 

"We just want what's best for Ethan,” Karen said when reached for comment. “If he doesn't play all the sports, then that means I have to work on my marriage. Ethan will be playing all the sports this coming school year." 

Ethan's daily regimen when he’s not in school starts at 5 AM with a 10-mile run, followed by a quick soccer practice, a two-hour basketball drill, a lunch break featuring quinoa and motivational speeches from former Olympians, and concludes with batting practice before bedtime. 

On weekends, Ethan's schedule becomes even more rigorous with back-to-back tournaments and skill-building workshops.

Local pediatrician Dr. Emily Wilson, who specializes in treating "sports-induced childhood burnout," commented on Ethan's situation. 

"We're seeing a rise in cases where children don't know what an off-season is. It's concerning,” Wilson said. “They might grow up to be well-rounded athletes, but they'll be terrible at small talk or understanding the concept of relaxation."

When asked if he ever felt tired, Ethan shrugged. 

"I don't know what tired feels like,” the budding astronaut pirate said. “I think it's that thing that happens when my eyes close during the car rides between practice sessions. It usually happens when mommy and daddy start yelling at each other."

As the conversation continued, Ethan's eyes darted to a nearby calendar filled with color-coded activities. "Maybe when I turn 18, I'll get an off-season. But until then, I guess I am just going to practice, practice, practice on burying this resentment towards them deep down."

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we get our kids from underwater basketweaving.

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