Local Boyfriend Predicts Victory Against Arcade Claw Machine

By Ryan David

LOCAL PIZZA PLACE—Jared Whitman, a local teen and boyfriend to Jenny Springfield, faces off against the Popcorn Arcade claw machine this week in the Mixed Machine Arcade Championship. It’s the MMA matchup of the year and will be a battle of wit, grit, and tokens. 

Here’s the preview:

Jared Whitman

Aliases: “J-Man” or “Jare-Bear” (used by Jenny)

Height & Weight: 5’9”, 175 lbs 

On one side of the glass is seventeen-year-old Jared Whitman, an arcade regular since Chuck E. Cheese banned him for repeated swearing violations. The formidable three-sport athlete has regaled the Whac-A-Mole and Clown Blaster circuits but enters the professional crane scene for only the second time. Whitman’s other elite-level appearance was a loss in the 2022 Stuffed Feather-Weight Qualifiers, a matchup prematurely ended by a depleted allowance. He spent the past summer working as a lifeguard and hopes to have amassed enough capital to avoid another costly mishap.

Popcorn Arcade Claw Machine

Aliases: “The Claw” or “Death Grip”  

Height & Weight: 6’3”, 350 lbs

Contents: Rubber ducks, Slinkys, inflatable balls, fidget spinners, and a Hello Kitty plushy

The Popcorn Arcade claw machine is a seasoned veteran and arcade mainstay. Once a daunting opponent, nagging hand injuries, vomit stains, and general wear suggest its best days have passed. Nevertheless, Death Grip is averaging double-digit drops per round, leading the league in violent shakes, and has handily fought to the championship despite a child climbing into its prize chamber in the Semi-Finals. 

Jenny Goodfield

Aliases: Just don’t call her “Jenn”

Height & Weight: “None of your business, asshole!”

Wants the Hello Kitty doll

In Jared’s corner is Jenny Goodman, a high-school senior and track runner. Upon meeting Whitman, Jenny was impressed by the up-and-coming athlete’s fiery crane-maneuvering prowess and taken by the Hello Kitty doll. Though her junior track season ended in a winning effort at regionals, as Jared says, “We know who the real star is.”

Officiating:

Wally, The Maintenance Guy

With twenty years of experience operating and repairing pinball machines, toy cranes, and skeeball lanes, Wally’s handyman reputation is unmatched, as is his timeless catchphrase, “Who shit in the ball pit this time?” Wally has occasionally awarded unearned prizes to crying girls but otherwise has a reputable and neutral record.

Game conditions:

Saturday’s game will happen during a child’s birthday party, and environmental factors—such as a greasy joystick and Jared’s fear of singing animatronic bears—could make a difference.

What the teams are saying:

“Injuries have plagued the toy crane machine, and we’ve lost good business,” said Isiah Walker, Popcorn Aracade owner. “But right when some snot-nosed kid thinks he’s bagged a Baby Yoda, that rickety sonuvabitch gets ‘em claw, line, and sinker.”

“The Claw’s had my number in the past, but I’m prepared and feel good,” said Jared. “Jenny keeps saying how badly she wants the dumb Hello Kitty doll. I won’t go into details, but she’s emphasized that losing isn’t an option.”

“If Jared doesn’t win the Hello Kitty doll, I’ll smash his car windows with the prom shoes he bought me and set his dirt bike on fire,” said Jenny. “I’d hate for it to come to that, but if he fails tonight, who knows what brat could walk away with my Kitty?”

“Do you have what it takes? Ha ha ha! Come play!” repeatedly taunted the claw machine over circus music and flashing lights. “Your heart is my toy, Jared, and I will claw it from your chest. Ha ha ha! Come Play!”

After graduation, Jared will no longer be age-eligible for MMA, but the adolescent has a bright future as an overhead crane technician at Tony’s Construction. Meanwhile, Jenny will attend college on a full-ride track scholarship.

The contest kicks off Saturday on AppleTV+, and the pizza place is next door.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we get more quarters.

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