Lions Fans Nervous That Potential Civil War May Derail Super Bowl Dream

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By Tom Brown

DETROIT—The election is over, but the fears of many often-woeful Detroit Lions fans have just begun. 

After the civil unrest of the January 6th riots four years ago, many Lions fans are worried that if a second American Civil War were to kick off, it would stop the NFL season. With the Detroit Lions at a near-unprecedented 7-1, many feel that this is their best chance at a Super Bowl.

“Dude, I’ve been watching this dog pile of a team since the early 90s. Every year, it’s just the same old Lios. But, this feels different, and if we were to let petty differences take this from me,” Dave Comley of Southfield said before trailing off and looking into space as if to find some sort of fleeting hope darting around. 

He then piped up and yelled, “DO NOT TAKE THIS FROM ME!”

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NFL Commissioner and noted Donald Trump supporter Roger Goodell gave his thoughts on the unease in Detroit and what the league plans to do about it.

“Yes, we are worried about the chances of the Detroit Lions reaching the Super Bowl. For years, our office has done whatever it takes to stamp out the hopes and dreams of Detroit fans. Changing the pass interference call in the January 2015 playoffs…that was us [NFL]. Last year, not acknowledging Decker as the eligible receiver, US. But, frankly, to start a full-blown civil war, Americans fighting Americans…we just might have to let them have this one,” Goodell said when reached for comment. “The key word is MIGHT. Now, if the election had gone the other way, then we MIGHT talk.”

Not everyone, however, agrees with Goodell’s assessment.

“Now is not the time to stand down! Now is the time to act! We need to shut the whole thing down!” said Green Bay Mayor, Packer, and Kamala Harris supporter Eric Genrich. “Jordan Love has a gimpy leg. If Green Bay can’t make it to the Super Bowl, then NO ONE CAN!”

Genrich then fumbled with a banana clip, loaded it into an AK-47, and fired wildly into the air, screaming, “On, you Green and Gold, to glory! VICTORY!”

Defeated Presidential Candidate Kamala Harris told reporters Tuesday that Lions fans should not worry.

“Grab yourself some Boston Coolers, crack a few Stroh’s, and relax." the Vice President said. "The only Civil War you have to worry about is who has the better Coney Dog, Lafayette or American.”

What can Detroiters do to help ease their anxiety in the meantime?

“Enjoy it while it lasts because there may not be a league in four years,” the Vice President added. “And by that, I mean it will have all been outsourced to Saudi Arabia.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we stop doom-scrolling.

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