Kiss Cam Only Thing That Could Make Ball Game Interesting

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By Divyansh Kulshrestha

ANY MAJOR LEAGUE CITY — With the batter hitting his fifth consecutive pitch in foul territory as the score remained 1-1 in the bottom of the 7th inning, sources confirmed Thursday that the only thing that could make this ballgame interesting was an enticing and provocative kiss cam.

“This game is a dumpster fire. Every single at-bat is sucking the soul out of the fans in attendance. Oh look, another inning-ending double play,” said an exasperated Roland Parker, a fan seated in the upper deck, “Yeah I’m gonna need a steamy as fuck kiss cam to make these $40 tickets worth it.”

Sources tell End of the Bench even umpire Johnny Buxton was finding it hard to focus on the game, often miscalling strikes while looking up at the Jumbotron for some signs of spicy entertainment but getting disappointed every time.

“Honestly, watching batters grounding out or missing on every fastball they see for six straight innings is a complete snooze fest, especially from behind the plate,” Buxton said. “The broadcasters need to be finding a horny young couple who can’t wait to lock their lips French style immediately so that the game gets more interesting.”

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Even commentator Joe Buck wasn’t able to find the words to describe the extremely lackluster game being played in the stadium and desperately wanted something else to take center stage.

“And there’s a strikeout to end the ninth inning with the score still at 1-1 as the game heads into extra innings, even though no one wants it to,” Buck said into the mic while on air. “So many beautiful couples here in the stadium tonight. Would be a shame if there was no kiss cam to focus on all these frisky little lovebirds instead of another no-hitter inning, am I right?”

At press time, the kiss cam eventually did show up on the Jumbotron, as it turned to a young guy who leaned in to kiss the girl next to him, who angrily slapped him and stormed off as the entire crowd roared with delight at the sight of the most interesting action they had seen in 10 and a half innings.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we find somebody to be on Kiss Cam with.

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