Joe Biden Selected for Nationals’ New Version of “Racing Presidents”

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By Ryan David

WASHINGTON—President Joseph R. Biden has joined the Washington Nationals’ fourth-inning Racing Presidents after leaving the White House earlier this year.

The newly created race will feature former US heads of state, previously portrayed by mascots, competing in a light-hearted race around the ballpark outfield. Biden's age and inclusion mark an unprecedented shift from costumed participants and immediately raised concerns throughout sports and politics.

The former President announced his transition to racing in an address.

“Folks, I have decided not to run for office this fall,” said the octogenarian, referring to the since-concluded US election. “Instead, I will run in the Nationals’ Racing Presidents and ask for your support on this journey.”

Though Biden’s family cheered the decision, behind closed doors, prominent Democrats believe he is too old to run.

“Our devastating loss in November was a lesson exposing decades of complacency, short-sightedness, and the party’s sprawling policy failures,” an anonymous Democratic staffer told End of the Bench. “What those lessons are, we have no idea. But it’s time for new blood, and I don’t mean the blood leaking from Joe’s ears.”

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The ordeal renews the debate about age limits in presidential races, both for office and between revered slave owners.

“Not only could moving faster than a stalled shopping cart shatter Biden’s hip but this honor is reserved for history’s finest. What did Joe do, make many executive orders that Trump wiped clean?” said Georgetown political science professor Mark Weiss. “There are countless other retirement options, especially considering we have the world’s foremost nursing home, the US Congress.”

Republicans denounced the Nationals’ move, with some promoting a conspiracy theory that Biden is 120 years old and therefore ineligible. 

In a post on X, Elon Musk lambasted Democrats for allegedly lying about Biden’s age, stating that “If Joe has nothing to hide,” he would “show us his birth certificate.”

Biden rebuffed his detractors, citing “stellar” results on the Presidential Fitness Test and an ability to recall most of his family members’ names. He also believes being 82 is an advantage over his competitors, who he noted are over 160 years old.

Nevertheless, the Nationals welcome the elderly statesman.

“Typically, we race presidents who are deceased,” said Tom Coulomb, the team’s Marketing Director. “But we’ll happily take one who’s almost dead.”

All signs indicate Biden will debut on opening day. Meanwhile, fans and the Secret Service hope his fourth-inning contest doesn’t result in a seventh-inning stretcher.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we get another hotdog.

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