Jim Irsay to Send Scouts to Thanksgiving Day Backyard Football Games

By William Vaillancourt

INDIANAPOLIS - Indianapolis Colts owner and self-described “oddball with an 8-ball” Jim Irsay said Wednesday he had devised a “well-thought-out enough” plan to get an edge over the rest of the league: scour backyard football games on Thanksgiving in search of overlooked talent.

“What you got at those things is so much potential and even more unorthodox-ness,” Irsay blurted out on stage at a Fort Worth karaoke bar at 2 A.M. “Whether it’s a 53-year-old veteran of making one big trip from the car to the fridge with the groceries or the 8th-grade prospect who ‘hates football’ but has a 4.3 40 Naruto run, there’s gotta be something there to screw the Patriots with.”

Irsay said these types of additions to the roster will ensure success as he sees it. “In the upper quartile of winners, we’re in the top quartile of that upper quartile” since 2000, as he put it, prompting some in attendance to ask if he needed to go to the hospital.

“And another thing,” Irsay continued after accusing another patron of downing his Long Island Iced Tea, “you just know somewhere out there there’s a play sheet stuffed in the back of grandma’s recipe book that the fun uncle brings out every year.”

New interim head coach Jeff Saturday, when reached by phone and asked to comment on Irsay’s plan, hung up. End of the Bench didn’t hear back by press time after emailing Irsay at his Hotmail address requesting confirmation of him saying he wants his scouts to also recruit the women of each household to sew banners for whenever the team ends a season above .500.