Jerry Jones All-In On Appearing To Be All-In

By Miles-Erik Bell

DALLAS—The Cowboys made a surprising move last week at the trade deadline by trading for Carolina Panthers wide receiver Jonathan Mingo.

Owner Jerry Jones was asked whether the move meant the team was still “all-in,” referring to his comments about the roster during the preseason.

“Mango is going to do a great job for us. He’s a good-looking player,” said Jones, clearly mispronouncing his new receiver’s name while grabbing the lapels on his custom-tailored suit. “Looks are everything. I mean, look at me.”

Jones then clarified what he meant by “all-in.”

“I’m all-in this suit. That’s what I meant by ‘all-in.’ Check the court documents. I’m all in. That’s my name, legally, according to Texas. I never lied. My name is All-In,” he added. “If you all got confused, that's your fault and your problem.”

Jones was candid when asked what his goals for the rest of the 2024 season were. 

“I’m just trying to sell some tickets. To do that, it’s crucial that we look like we’re trying. And to look like you’re trying, you need to do things. I’m all about doing things. Like check this out,” he said, pulling a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue from his sleeve.

“All of this is theater,” he added, twirling in a circle.

The trade comes amid news that quarterback Dak Prescott will be without the team for the next several weeks while nursing a leg injury. When asked who will play quarterback the rest of the season, Jones was coy, stating that he is “confident in Our Guy.”

Sources tell End of the Bench that “Our Guy” is actually former Cowboys’ accountant Douglas Evers, who was changed his name at Jones’s request and gunpoint.

Head coach Mike McCarthy, who many fans called to be fired after the team’s 3-5 start, is also feeling the heat.

McCarthy was short when asked about his outlook for the second half of the season.

“I’m determined to be very determined for the rest of the year.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we go all in.

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