James Harden Sits Out Strip Club Visit Citing ‘Load Management’

By Divyansh Kulshrestha

LOS ANGELES - Emphasizing that his physical health was his topmost priority, newly signed Clippers superstar James Harden announced this morning that he was sitting out tonight’s strip club visit, citing “load management” reasons.

“I’m really committed to helping my team this season. And I’ve realized that I can’t really spend all week expending my load on and off the court” said Harden when reached for comment, “I will be running on fumes come season’s end.”

According to sources, Harden decided to improve his load management after he was found passed out in a random strip club’s VIP lounge after unloading too hard, the night before his season debut, a 117-97 loss to the New York Knicks.

“It was a wake-up call for me, honestly,” said Harden, “I am still picking glitter out of my beard.”

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Harden, who is known for his burning passion for the exotic arts, consulted with the Clippers’ medical team, his physiotherapist, and Luna Mystique, his favorite stripper.

“Everybody that has a say in my life had a say in this decision,” Harden said. “But at the end of the day, it’s on me and me alone to manage this load.”

Former NBA superstar and current TV analyst Charles Barkley criticized Harden for the decision and pointed out the lack of dedication to “the game.”

“Look, you’re getting paid a buttload of dollars just to play ball. And if you’re still getting tired after beating your meat at strip clubs then I’m sorry, you ain’t a superstar,” Barkley said. “You think Michael Jordan or Larry Bird ever skipped a strip club visit and managed our loads? Hell no!”

At press time, Harden added that he might look for safer alternatives like tissue paper or a nylon sock if needed.

End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.

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