Jaguars Sign Popcorn Vendor to Massive Four-Year Contract

By Elliot Baas

JACKSONVILLE — Hot off the heels of last week’s signing of wide receiver Christian Kirk, the Jacksonville Jaguars have continued making waves in free agency, signing popcorn vendor Rusty Harrison to a 4-year, $42 million dollar contract, the largest ever for concessions employee. 

Harrison, a ten-year veteran of the stadium refreshments game, brings a wealth of experience and talent to TIAA Bank Field, having dished out popcorn, beer, peanuts, and even hibachi at 26 different sporting venues across North America. 

The long-time veteran also brings a lot of big-game experience to Jacksonville as well, having worked three Super Bowls, two World Series, and even worked as an usher for a brief period on Broadway for Hamilton.

“Rusty brings a veteran presence to this team,” head coach Doug Pederson said. “Not a lot of these guys have come close to a championship, and Rusty knows what it takes to get to the Super Bowl.”

Harrison is perhaps best known for his raw strength as a vendor, once strapping over 50 cotton candies to his back to deliver to a local Boys & Girls Club at a Texas Rangers game. 

The game occurred in 95-degree Texas heat, the kids were sitting in the top row, and Harrison had to make a second trip after he ran out of purple. 

“It’s the type of thing you tell your grandkids about,” Shirley Wilson, a fellow vendor working the game, was quoted as saying about the performance.

Despite Harrison’s obvious talents, some have criticized the deal as just another massive overpayment by the Jaguars that will result in overall little impact, citing that the average popcorn vendor makes between $14-$18 per hour or roughly .003% of what Harrison will make over the course of an entire game. 

When pressed about the terms of the deal, Jaguars owner Shad Khan said, “Nobody wants to be here, but that’s just what it costs to get talent here in Jacksonville.” 

Khan then went on to ask reporters whether he should move the team to London or Toronto.

When asked how he plans to spend the money, Harrison told reporters he hoped to give back. 

He plans to buy and restore the Oscar Mayer wiener mobile and travel across the country, feeding hot dogs, popcorn, peanuts, and other ballpark fares to needy children during the offseason.