Inaugural UFC Tag Team Tournament Leaves 3 Dead, 19 Wounded

By Zach Wolf

LAS VEGAS — The UFC is recruiting new fighters after Saturday’s inaugural tag team tournament left three fighters dead and 19 more injured, according to unsurprised sources.

“That was one of the craziest things I’ve done in my life,” said Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone as he was being fitted for a full-body cast. “It’s hard enough stepping into the octagon with one guy, let alone a team. It’s okay when it’s one-on-one or two-on-two or whatever, but when the other team gets you cornered and there are eight fists and feet reigning blows on you, it gets a little dicey. No doubt. Plus my partner was killed early in the second fight, making things tricky, to say the least! Thankfully one of our opponents had internal bleeding or else I would have been cooked!”

UFC President Dana White brushed aside criticism that the tournament put profits ahead of the safety of its fighters.

“Not just any profits. Record-breaking, earth-shattering, Dana White can afford a new yacht kind of profits. Oh yeah, baby!" said White as he lit a cigar with a wad of burning $100 bills. "It’s not my fault guys can’t protect themselves out there. That’s their job, not mine. We gave them the whole morning to study their opponents, so don’t tell me they weren’t ready. Maybe if they worked harder training instead of going on their phones and whining on social media they would do better. Plus, I gave the surviving fighters 6% of the gate and a coupon for $50 off their first visit to Sunrise Hospital, so they really can’t complain about anything.”

At press time the UFC’s PR department was seen preparing to announce that the UFC Heavyweight Title will be contested next month in a ladder match.