I, Matt Damon, Apologize for Last Year’s Crypto Super Bowl Ad

By Mary E. McCartney

I, Matt Damon, star of The Martian, the Jason Bourne franchise, and last year’s unfortunate crypto ad on Super Bowl Sunday…

…have created this Public Service Announcement on the most sacred of US holidays, Super Bowl Sunday 2023, in order to make amends.

History is filled with courageous men and women who accomplished great things. Perhaps you, too, had big dreams.

You hoped to be a mountain climber, scaling Everest. But that would take years of physical training, and you love Bud Light® and Doritos® too much for that.

You fantasized about being an astronaut, but that would have involved learning science, and, well, yuck - that’s for nerds.

You dreamed of winning an Oscar. But you, unlike me, can’t act your way out of a paper bag.

Instead, you took the more difficult path. You watched me capitalize on my reputation as a good guy, and you believed the contents of my crypto ad. You embraced the moment and committed. You created an account on a website, logged in, and transferred some of your hard-earned cash to a crypto site. You thought you were in the company of elite athletes, space explorers, and movie stars. It felt good, didn’t it? And it gave you a little serotonin boost.

But all empires eventually fall. It even happened to those intrepid Romans that I waxed poetic about in last year’s ad. And, the crypto market, much like the Roman empire, fell.

I made a bundle on that crypto ad. But you didn’t. In fact, you felt cheated. I get it - you’re angry at me. You lost a lot of money, perhaps even your meager life savings. You specifically followed the financial advice that I gave you as if I had a fiduciary duty to you. I want to clear something up – I have a team of financial advisors who handle my $170 million fortune. I don’t know anything about investing. The ad was an error in judgment on my part, and I am really sorry about that. My bad.

But this Super Bowl Sunday Public Service Announcement is not for you. It’s too late for you.

This Super Bowl Sunday Public Service Announcement is for all of you who were too drunk on Super Bowl Sunday last year to create the account. Or created the account, logged out, and forgot the password. Or created the account, forgot the password, and clicked the button to create a new password, but didn’t look in their spam folder for the password recovery email. Or created the account, forgot the password, found the password recovery email in your spam folder, created a new password, but forgot your savings account number and couldn’t transfer the funds. You told yourself you would call your bank tomorrow. But you never did call your bank, did you? No, you never did. And I salute you.

So now what do you do with your money? Here are my new, improved recommendations for 2023. Hide it under your mattress. Stash it in a fake can of cream-style corn with a false bottom. Stuff it in a hollowed-out VHS copy of Good Will Hunting. Just stay away from crypto, OK?

And now, my good-guy reputation, like my best friend’s ginormous back tattoo, is like a phoenix rising from the ashes.