Flyers Fan Awakens in Middle of Night to Find Blood-Soaked Gritty Silently Looming in Corner of Bedroom

By James Knapp

PHILADELPHIA - Hockey fan Desmond DeDorino, after waking up for a 2 AM trip to the bathroom, was met with the objectively horrifying sight of Philadelphia Flyers mascot Gritty, covered in viscera, and wordlessly standing in the corner of his bedroom, sources who never knew true terror until this exact moment confirmed.

“Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. What the fuck is Gritty doing in here? Is that blood? Oh shit,” panted DeDorino under his breath while scanning the room to figure out the quickest exit. “Okay. If I just stay still, maybe he won’t see me. Gritty’s eyesight works like a T-Rex, right? Oh fuck, I think he has a knife. Ahhhhhh! I’m going for the window!”

When reached for comment, Flyers management only tacitly acknowledged Gritty’s association with the team and denied any culpability on their part.

“We prefer to think of Gritty as more of an ideal than we do an actual employee. That way we can pay him in raw fish heads and there’s no paper trail if he kills again… I mean, for the first time… I mean, I don’t know who you’re talking about,” scrambled assistant executive Clyde Bronski. “Look, the Philadelphia Flyers cannot be held accountable for any of its fans or associates, no matter how high their body count may be.”

“Also, it was probably just dog blood he was covered in. You ever think of that?” added Bronski before disappearing down a darkened corridor.

At press time, the Philadelphia PD had declared DeDorina as missing and Gritty had been added to the FBI’s most wanted list.

End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.