Fan’s Christmas Gift to Himself Includes Lakers Tickets, Lifelong Debt

By Devin Wallace

LOS ANGELES — Los Angeles Lakers fan Gus Calloway treated himself to an early Christmas gift this year, purchasing a single regular-season ticket so expensive it ensures he’ll spend the rest of his life under a mountain of debt.

“If there are two things I’ve wanted in life, it’s to see the Lakers in person and spend the next 40 years shackled by the suffocating weight of financial irresponsibility,” said Calloway, searching for plasma donation centers near Crypto.com Arena. “I bet the game looks so much faster up close, and life looks so much bleaker without the possibility of economic advancement. I have a good feeling they’ll win—and that I’ll never retire.”

Calloway said he initially looked for seats in the upper bowl. But once he realized even the cheapest seats would doom him to a life of poverty, he decided to splurge on more expensive seats in the lower bowl, the cost of which would follow him to the grave. He noted that debt can’t hurt you when you’re dead, which is legally incorrect. 

Calloway’s wife, Erica, fully supported his ticket purchase and what she called fiscal suicide. She pointed out that her husband was already burdened by tens of thousands of dollars in student loan debt.

“He knows exactly what he’s doing,” she said, taking photos of her feet to scrape together next month’s rent. “My husband has been in debt all his life, and he saw his parents in debt all their lives. If anyone knows how to destroy their future with a single purchase, it’s my man.”

Lakers Vice President of Operations Doug Moore praised the passion and reckless decisions of fans like Calloway, saying their dedication helps sustain the team.

“We need to charge barely legal ticket prices to keep our small-town team afloat,” Moore said of his franchise, valued at over $7 billion. “Without people like Gus Calloway mortgaging their future for a few hours with a franchise they’ve devoted their cheering lives to—a franchise that doesn’t care if they live or die as long as they’ve paid—we wouldn’t be able to underwhelm fans with the on-court experience consistently. After all, first-round playoff exits aren’t cheap.”

Calloway said he’ll cherish the consequences of his decision for the rest of his life.

“Memories are the gift that keeps on giving. Debt collectors, too. Even on my deathbed, I’ll remember the game-winning shots—and the times they repossessed my refrigerator.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we sell these tickets.

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