Fan Refuses To Report to Training Camp Without New Deal on Stadium Hot Dogs

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By Devin Wallace

SAN FRANCISCO — As NFL Training Camps begin nationwide, many teams miss familiar faces as key participants hold out over new deals. 

The San Francisco 49ers have been hit especially hard by hold-outs, including tackle Trent Williams, wide receiver Brandon Aiyuk, and self-described super-fan Roddy Rutarski, who refuses to appear at training camp until a new discount deal is offered on stadium hot dogs.

“This is about standing up for the working man, just like me,” said Rutarski, who is entering his sixth year of unemployment. “If I’m handing over seven fifty, I want at least two pipin’ dogs on my platter. I know other teams can do it; the Eagles give ya a side of waffle fries with every burger order, at no extra charge. I give my blood, sweat, and tears to the Niners, and I know they keep asking me to stop bleeding, sweating, and crying, but I do it for the team. All I ask is to have the chance to refuel with some reasonably-priced mystery meat.”

Team officials say they have to consider the organization's financial health over any specific fan, citing the reasoning for their decision to pull the deal ahead of the 2024 NFL season..

“Sure, we can have a two-for-one special on hot dogs,” said President of Hospitality Liz DuMont, fresh off an incredible off-season in which she signed Wetzel’s Pretzels. “But that means we have to raise prices on soft-serve in novelty helmets, or even cut a superstar: pizza in the shape of foam fingers. Everybody always thinks of themselves, never of pizza slices in fun shapes. Does Roddy Rutarski want to explain that to the media? I didn’t think so.”

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49ers players, usually mum on specific negotiations, admitted there was a different feel to training camp this year.

“It’s hard not to miss certain guys,” said George Kittle. “Usually you can hear Roddy shouting at you from the stands, saying stuff like…well, I don’t know, because his mouth is usually full of hot dogs. But it’s quieter this year. Not that quiet, because he’s still shouting from the parking lot and it sounds like he has some gas station hot dogs stuffed in his cheeks. 

The only thing we can do is show up, run our routes, and try not to wonder why he bleeds so much from eating all those hot dogs.”

Rutarski, though disheartened by the organization’s lack of hot dog deals, says he’s confident the team will see his value.

“There’s not a lot of guys who can do what I do,” said Rutarksi, peeing into a jar. “I can get here earlier than any other guy on this team’s fan email list because I’m usually parked nearby in my RV. I can stay later than anyone because I have very few places I’m still allowed to go. And whatever I get from this team, I put right back into a trash can outside the stadium, because in the August heat, it’s very difficult to keep thirty-seven hot dogs in your stomach.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we find a couple of hot dogs.

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