Fan Awkwardly Confesses Sins To San Diego Padre

By Joe Fernandez

PEORIA, Arizona—Spring training is off to an uncomfortable start for star third baseman Manny Machado as fan Luis Ramos awkwardly confessed his sins to the San Diego Padre while sitting in the dugout.

“Perdóname, Padre, Porque he pecado,” Ramos said in Spanish, translating to “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” 

Machado initially thought Ramos was trying to find a funny way to get his attention for an autograph before immediately regretting approaching the fan.

Ramos continued on, trying to absolve himself of all sin to the six-time all-star, saying, “It has been five months since my last confession to Father Jurickson Profar.”

Machado looked around, confused, assuming it was a Profar prank before remembering he had signed with the Atlanta Braves this year.

“Uhm, you’re all good, man,” Machado responded as he looked around with what fans described as “a look of extreme discomfort and consternation.” Ramos insisted Machado listen, begging him to “help clear my conscience.”

Reports say Machado looked around for a teammate to help extricate him from the discourse, but his teammates either didn’t notice or chose to ignore it. Machado said it was the same way they responded a few years ago at a cocktail party when he got trapped in a conversation about immigration reform with Curt Schilling.

Ramos went on in great detail to Machado, stating, “I have coveted my neighbor’s wife.”

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Machado did his best to disengage from the fan, responding, “Hey, that’s all right, man; I mean, I play on a major league ball club. Happens all the time. That’s why Rafael Palmerio got traded from the Cubs after he railed Ryne Sandberg’s wife, ya know?”

Machado then pretended to hear a coach call him for batting practice, but as he tried to leave, Ramos grabbed his arm and said, “Please, Father. I need to be cleansed of sin.”

Ramos then went on a long tirade about a hit-and-run he was responsible for that remains unsolved. Machado was confused, thinking he was talking about a baseball hit-and-run before the fan clarified that he “ran over a kid and sped off.” Ramos was quoted as saying the guilt has consumed him and he wants to be released from it.

“Ok, whoa, this is way too much for me,” Machado responded. “You know the Padres is like a team name, right?”

Ramos reportedly was taken aback before saying, “Father, you forsake your vows with such words!”

Machado eventually relented and told Ramos to say five Hail Marys and three Our Fathers, and he’d be “all good.”

Ramos reportedly then knelt and genuflected before thanking Machado for his grace.

As of now, there are no reports on whether or not Ramos will receive salvation from God. 

End of the Bench has prayed for a comment from a Heavenly representative but has received none, leaving the writing staff questioning our faith.

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