Every Guy on England's Soccer Team Named Harry

By Dave Henry

LONDON - In a stunning twist of events, it was revealed Sunday that England's entire roster for its national soccer team is men named Harry.

The revelation came to light shortly after England lost to Spain 2-1 in the Euro 2024 Final on Sunday.

"It's just a really popular name among boy wizards, shaggy-haired pop stars, Black Sheep princes, and footballers right now in England," said team manager Harry Southgate. “

Striker Harry Kane says the entire team of Harrys is just one of those fluke things, like the 1918 Red Sox made up entirely of Daves.

"Did you know that Babe Ruth's real name is Dave ... Dave Ruth? I did not know that until I read in the "Big Book of Daves" on the toilet. I also did not know that even the batboy on that 1918 Red Sox team was named Dave," said Kane.

Following Euro 2024 all 22 Harrys on England’s roster will now head to Paris for the 2024 Olympic Games, ranging from Harry Kane to Harry Harry, the son of Blondie’s Deborah Harry. 

One of England's biggest fans, Harry McDonald, is honored that the entire team shares his name. McDonald shared that his father is also named Harry, as is his dog, Harry, and his car, a 2011 Ford Focus.

"It's great, I just scream my head off for Harry the whole game whenever they play and I'm cheering on the whole team at once," McDonald said. "I'm also cheering for my dad, my dog, and my car."

England's defenseman Harry Shaw recently legally changed his name to Harry, from Luke, just to fit in.

"It just made it so much easier. Everyone else was named Harry so I wanted to be a team player," Shaw said. "And sometimes I get mistaken in public for some of the better Harrys on the team, which is an added benefit."

Shaw insists that the Harry-ness of the team was not by design, but contends it’s not completely random either.

“It’s kind of a self-fulfilling thing,” Shaw said. “Just like, if you are named Kevin, you become a mean bully; when you are named Harry, you become a footballer.”

In unrelated news, there are six guys named Mike on Team Morocco.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we talk to Harry.

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