Every Call to Every Fantasy Football Show Ever

By Mike Range

The following is a generalized transcript from your local radio station’s fantasy football morning talk show.

“Pigskin” Pete: "… so forget his pre-season ADP and spend half your FAAB to get him in PPR leagues.”

Okay, that look at the waiver wire brings us to 9:54 this football-filled Sunday morning, which means we have just a few minutes left here on Pigskin Pete's Picks on WJCK: The Jock -- firmly supporting Cleveland sports fans since mid-2018 -- 530 on your AM dial when we aren't drowned out by static or the French language station out of Canada. So let's get in a few rapid-fire calls. Terry, John, you're up right after I help Ronnie in Euclid. Ronnie, quick, what do you got?"

Ronnie: "Dude! Hi, yeah, thanks for taking my call. I'll make this real quick because I know you're up against the clock, but I just want to say I'm a huge fan, I listen all the time, and thanks to your advice I'm 7–2 in my main league, the one I've been in with some high school friends since 2003, and I even beat Mitch, who won the league last year and won't shut up about it, but he's only 3–6 this year so I don't think he'll be yapping at us much longer, so I think your show is awesome."

Pete: "Glad to hear it. Real quick with your question now."

Ronnie: "Yeah … uhhhhh … I have a question about what to do at wide receiver, because, um, right now I'm 7–2, like I said, and in second place behind my brother-in-law, Scott, who's 8–1. I'd be 8–1, too, except I lost a few weeks ago to the ninth-place team - ninth place, if you can believe that, with the killer team I've got - by two points when Russell Wilson threw two picks and got sacked four times with zero touchdowns. Negative points. Who saw that coming, right? Historically bad luck for me… like that's anything new - last year I lost five games by three points or less, so you'd think I'd be used to the fantasy gods kicking me around, but I can't believe Russ let me down, because he's usually one of the best, and now I feel like I've got to cut him, which I hate to do because I named my team Russell Sprouts- you know, like "Brussels sprouts?"

Pete: "Yeah-yeah-yeah. So what is it I can do for you at wide receiver?"

Ronnie: "Yeah, Pete, I'm a little worried about my Wide Receiver 3 -- I'm really strong at 1 and 2, because I had a sweet draft and my moron friends let me get Tyreek Hill and Stefon Diggs, and I thought for sure I was set at 3, too, because -- and I couldn't believe it, since every mock draft had this guy going no later than the third round and he was really a second round value -- I got Michael Pittman at the end of the fourth round, but, you know, they benched Matt Ryan and I don't know if the Colts are tanking for next year's draft or what -- I mean, it sure looks like it, but maybe they just really suck - -so I've been getting by with Chris Godwin-- more like Chris God-When-Are-You-Going-To-Score-A-Touchdown since he hasn't sniffed the end zone."

Pete: "I'm gonna need a question here, Ronnie."

Ronnie: "Okay, so Wan'Dale Robinson and Jakobi Meyers are both available on waivers, so -- "

Pete: "I'd go Wan'Da--"

Ronnie: "But the thing is, there's a guy willing to trade for Pittman, so I think I can get Tee Higgins-- "

Pete: "Definitely. Make the tra -- "

Ronnie: "But he wants me to throw in Antonio Gibson, who's just starting to get rolling again now that they're throwing to him. Sure, that backfield has a lot of mouths to feed, and I guess I can get by without him, but with bye weeks coming up -- I mean, I really punted on Week 11, let me tell you, I've got like four or five guys out that week, let's see… Brady, Godwin, Succop -- haha, I really loaded up on Buccaneers, but I had I bunch of Rams last year, and that didn't exactly hurt, because I tied for second last season, and man, I would have won it all except …"

Ronnie's voice fades as the show ends to Billy Joel singing "It's just a fantasy…" accompanied by the deep percussive tones of Pete's head smacking his desk.