ESPN Analyst Graduates From Clown College

By Clay Beyersdorfer

THE BIG TENT - In another banner day for the worldwide leader in sports, ESPN basketball analyst Jay Williams announced his graduation from the prestigious International Clown College Tuesday, promising viewers an even more colorful array of controversial takes and outlandish opinions on the network's programming.

Williams, known for his often polarizing commentary on the NBA and College Basketball, stated that his time at Clown College has equipped him with a unique set of skills that he plans to incorporate into his analysis. 

"I've learned the art of juggling multiple perspectives, walking the tightrope of hot takes, and, most importantly, pie-facing universally accepted coherent thought," Williams declared, honking a novelty horn for emphasis. “Rest assured if there’s an absurdly outrageous or downright nonsensical point of view I can take, I will. My goal is to entertain, not inform.”

Williams recently sparked controversy with a comment about Iowa basketball star Caitlin Clark, suggesting that she isn't "great" because she hasn't won a national championship.

“She’s probably the most prolific scorer the game of basketball has ever seen,” Williams said live on ESPN’s flagship show ‘College Gameday.’ “I am unwilling … to say that she is great yet.” 

Subscribe to our newsletter, or you’re going to clown school.

Those comments came after Clark broke the women’s college basketball all-time scoring record earlier in the week, a game in which she also set the Iowa single-game scoring record with 49 points.

The network has announced its support of Williams following his graduation and subsequent transition into clown territory.

"Jay brings his fresh approach to our coverage every week and we are excited that he’ll now be officially recognized as a clown," said an ESPN spokesperson when reached for comment. "For him to follow in the footsteps of ESPN greats and current clowns like Skip Bayless, Stephen A. Smith, or Jason Whitlock, it’s truly an honor to have him working for this company."

Critics, however, are skeptical of Williams' latest career move. 

"This is just another stunt in a long line of attention-grabbing antics," said one sports pundit, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being targeted by a seltzer water spray or hand buzzer. "Next thing you know, he'll be analyzing games from a tiny car packed with Colin Cowherd."

Despite the mixed reactions, Williams remains undeterred and is already planning to debut his new persona during the second half of the NBA season.

“I am ready to show the world just what I can do for real,” Williams said while blowing up a balloon animal. “It’s going to make the Ringling Bros. look like a small-town fair.”

As the basketball world braces for the dawn of a new era in sports analysis, one thing is clear: Williams is not clowning around when it comes to shaking up the status quo. 

Or maybe he is. 

It's hard to tell with all the face paint.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we finish putting on our oversized shoes.