Elly De La Cruz Steals Second, Third, Home, The Royal Crown, and My Wife

By Audrey Clark

MILWAUKEE - In a play that is already being referred to as "The Heist of the Century", Reds rookie Elly De La Cruz managed to steal three bases in a single sequence over the weekend, before continuing on to steal the British Monarch's sacred crown and finally abscond with my gorgeous wife, Joanna.

The 21-year-old batsman hit a single off Brewer's pitcher Elvis Peguero. Then, when Peguero threw a strike, De La Cruz took second. After that, he took advantage of a ball by stealing third and home, before scaling a castle wall, weaving through an intricate series of laser beams, and snatching the magnificent golden crown. 

He ended his daring play by driving away on a motorcycle with my beautiful wife, who seemed to be loving it by all accounts.

"It's all about picking the right moment," De La Cruz said through a translator, "I saw Peguero with his back to third. And then I saw Karl Stromhurst, the London Tower Head of Security, asleep at his desk. And then I saw your wife, Joanna, looking glamorous and unfulfilled. Everything lined up perfectly."

De La Cruz was aided in this play by Jake Fraley, who was next at bat, and Jackie "CRACKERJAXX" Creed, a computer hacker who helped disable the weight-activated alarm underneath the crown.

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He was also assisted by my darling wife Joanna, who I should probably start referring to as my ex-wife.

"I ain't never seen a fuckin' play like that," said my beautiful former wife, "Stealing three bases? And then the King Edward Crown used to inaugurate British royals since the 1600s. Sorry babe, I had to jump his bones. I'm sure you woulda done the same thing!"

The Royal Family could not be reached for comment, but insiders confirmed that they were all shaking their fists and saying "Ooh, why you little!"

This play marked De La Cruz's 14th, 15th, and 16th stolen bases, 4th stolen priceless artifact, and 1st stolen heart. Looks like this rookie is on track for many more years of baseball, cat-burglary, and cuckery.

Needless to say, I'm devasted.

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