Electoral College Remains Undefeated

By Henry Loe

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a long, grueling, and seemingly never-ending race, Electoral College emerged victorious once again during the quadrennial presidential race down Pennsylvania Avenue, cementing its status as a dynasty for the ages.

While the victory has sent America into a flaming tailspin, the elite cast of the first-ballot hall of famers whose names and faces we still do not know, enjoyed their latest win in an undisclosed location miles from civilization.

“It’s a dream come true to maintain dominance for so long,” said one Electoral College spokesperson. “Sometimes we win so much people forget we even exist. However, we definitely do, and you should Google us. At the end of the day, even if we’re not always the popular choice to win, we still have the final say.”

ESPN personality Stephen A. Smith, a longtime critic of Electoral College, finally gave them their flowers on his latest podcast.

“Webster’s Dictionary cannot describe how incredible of a program Electoral College is or half the words that come out of my mouth. What we’re witnessing is unprecedented. I don’t know how they manage to get it done time and time again,” Smith said. “Seriously, this is more confusing than Phil Jackson’s triangle offense. Someone please explain it to me because I don’t have a clue how this system works.” 

Amid the praise and excitement, opponents of Electoral College were quick to question the legitimacy of their immaculate record.

“I think it’s about time someone looks into this. I mean, how do they win year after year? It’s almost like they already know the outcome. Who even are ‘they’ anyway? Where is this so-called ‘college’? What’s the point of even participating in the race? It all seems rigged to me.”

Sources from Electoral College brushed off these accusations, claiming that anyone opposed to them is just a hater.

“Look, haters gon’ hate, right?” Said one source from Electoral College. “News flash, everyone. We don’t need your vote of confidence to be successful. Whether you love or hate us, we’re here to stay; there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Peace out.”

Sources tell End of the Bench that the Electoral College’s banner ceremony, originally scheduled for January 6th, has been rescheduled due to a mob of people threatening to overturn the results.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we Google ‘Electoral College.’

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