Draymond Green Wears “Punch Me, I’m Irish” Shirt

SAN FRANCISCO — Golden State Warriors practice took an uncomfortable turn Monday when four-time All-Star forward Draymond Green celebrated St. Patrick’s Day by wearing a “Punch Me, I’m Irish” shirt.

“Guys, check it out,” Green said with a big smile as his teammates shuffled their feet uncomfortably.

“Isn’t this funny?” he asked, met with awkward silence.

After 10 seconds, Stephen Curry finally spoke.

“Yeah. Uhm. Very funny, Draymond.”

Teammates then trepidatiously put in their mouthguards as one player, speaking anonymously, described as “a sense of fear and dread entered all of our bodies.”

“What do you think, Steve?” Green asked, turning to head coach Steve Kerr.

Kerr buried his head in his hands before saying, “OK, so, everyone, let’s … no scrimmage today. Let’s just shoot the ball. Today is a shots-only practice.”

Green then offered to “rebound and practice boxing out against people.”

“No!” the team shouted in unison before quickly shifting to a calmer tone as Green grabbed a ball to practice.

“Draymond, just put the ball down. Put it down,” pleaded teammate Gary Payton II.

Asked why such a desperate plea, Payton II said, “I feel like I’m the closest thing to Jordan Poole on this team right now, and I don’t have dental insurance. At the moment, I’m switching plans and still shopping around. If I get punched, I’m screwed.”

Payton II said tension between him and Green had been brewing ever since Payton II fervently argued that the Earth is, in fact, round.

Coaches and players said Green was “completely oblivious to the social cues being given” as he fake-punched teammates and said, “Ha, made ya flinch.”

According to sources, things only got weirder when Green pretended to be the leprechaun from Leprechaun and Leprechaun in the Hood.

“He creepily kept walking up to people saying, ‘You stole me lucky charms, now I’m going to punch you,’” an executive at the practice said.

Players began to sob gently, whispering to themselves, “Please don’t punch me. I want to go home. I just want to go home.”

Sensing the shift in tone, Green said, “I’m joking around, guys. I just love Irish culture and thought this would be a fun gag.”

The comment was met with frigid silence before Green continued his reassurance.

“Here, let me prove to you I won’t punch you. I won’t even use my arms to celebrate the Irish.”

He then began to Riverdance, keeping his arms stiffly by his side. He continued tapping for an estimated 27 minutes.

Around the 15-minute mark, some teammates tried to exit the court discreetly, but whenever Green noticed, he angrily shouted, “Where do you think you’re going?!” causing everyone to freeze in place and continue watching.

Following the conclusion of his performance, Green said, “Wow. That works up a sweat. Now you guys try.”

As he was met with responses like, “Oh, I don’t know,” and “Eh, it’s not my thing,” Green grimaced before saying in a threatening manner, “I said. Riverdance for me.”

Players again broke into gentle sobs as they river danced for nearly an hour while Green watched, laughing as a Warriors cheerleader fed him grapes. Throughout the ordeal, he continued shouting, “Dance for me! Dance! Dance more! More!”

An exhausted Warriors team collapsed once Green waved his hands, signaling an end to the festivities.

Clapping twice, he proclaimed, “Practice has concluded. Let us bring in our tonight opponents—the Denver Nuggets!”

The Warriors went on to lose 151-67.

Green was ejected two minutes into the game for hitting Nikola Jokić over the head with a golf club multiple times.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we pay homage to St. Draymond.

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