Divorce Agreement Between Brian "Fanboy" McGillicuddy and the Brooklyn Nets

By Andrew Rodwin

I. BACKGROUND

Brian McGillicuddy and the Brooklyn Nets (known collectively as the "Parties" but lately it hasn't been one) were bound on December 28th, 1997, in Queens, New York following Brian's split with the Knicks after All-Star center Patrick Ewing ended his season with a broken wrist. 

Due to irreconcilable differences, the Parties agree that:

- Brian will cease his rabid screeds lambasting head coach Jacque Vaughn on sports talk radio.

- The Nets will stop tasing Brian's stomach ulcer.

The Parties have voluntarily entered into this Agreement and sign of their own volition. Notionally. The Nets have no choice but they sure as hell had one when they dumped James Harden for 6'10" of deadweight point guard tonnage. 

Both Parties affirm they are in sound mental health, with the obvious exception of former Nets point guard Kyrie Irving. Redline insertion by Brian's attorney: Except for any team that surrenders a stud like Durant for a trio of wannabes and a bunch of draft picks they're bound to Schrute several olives short of a pizza.

IN CONSIDERATION OF the mutual promises contained in this Agreement, Redline insertion by Brian: and other horseshit my lawyer insisted on including because the parasite gets paid by the hour, the Parties agree to the following:

II. SEPARATION

The Parties separated on April 23rd after fill-in 76er Paul Reed - yes, the Paul Reed - dominated the glass with eight freakin' offensive rebounds while the Nets shot under 70% from the stripe I mean what is this middle school? 

The Parties agree the McGillicuddys' cable provider will black out all Nets games in Brian's apartment as well as the Irish Rover sports bar on 38th St. 

WFAN 101.9 FM will no longer broadcast Nets games in Brian's Chevy Camaro because one of the Parties has driven a grade 80 rebar through the Kenwood car stereo. 

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II. CHILDREN AND CUSTODY

The McGillicuddy children - Amber, 14, and Brian Jr, 12 - will not avoid Nets merch, including t-shirts, caps, bling, and Spanx.

Neither child will mention the Nets until they reach the age of 21, and then only through Brian's attorney. If discussing the Jets or Mets the children are to enunciate consonants clearly to avoid unfortunate misunderstandings and gastrointestinal spasms.

Amber's boyfriend DeShawn has ten days to choose between a) sticking with the Nets like the douchebag he is showing himself to be or b) Amber. In the event of a), Amber will replace DeShawn forthwith, but Brian reserves the right to screen candidates for seditious team loyalties and if he sees Nets merch they can just roll on out of here cause they ain't gonna get picked.

III. ASSETS

The Parties agree to divide property as follows:

- The Nets will transfer Brian's season tickets to some shmuck willing to drain home equity for nosebleed seats so high up you can't see the Nets lose anyway, praise God.

- Brian will unload his truckloads of Nets merch on eBay at eight cents on the dollar, using the proceeds to pay for therapy targeted at healing the PTSD condition blighting the tristate region - Simmons Night Terror.

IV. DOWER, CURTESY, AND HOMESTEAD RELEASES

Each Party releases all dower, curtesy, and homestead rights under any statute of New York, or any other jurisdiction whatsoever, that, but for this agreement, each would have in and to property in the name of the other, or in their names jointly or as tenants in common. Since neither Party knows what the hell any of that means, we'll just roll the dice here. 

V. CURRY CLAUSE

Should the Nets wake up to having the wrong Curry and exchange him for the right one, the Parties, being reasonable people, can work something out.

VI. GENERAL RELEASE

Each Party releases all claims whatsoever, except the Nets still claim they are rebuilding but even a placeholder like Kendrick Perkins knows Dinwiddie will be airborne to anywhere else within nine seconds of his contract expiring.

VI. GENERAL PROVISIONS

This Agreement replaces any prior communication between the Parties, including the love-notes-cum-zone-flood-advice Brian wrote to coach Byron Scott in those heady days of 2002, all of which came back marked RETURN TO SENDER, when Brian first noticed unmarked patrol cars circling his block.

If a dispute arises regarding this Agreement, the Parties will try to resolve the matter through negotiation before initiating a court action. But if it ever does come down to court action, the Party of the First Part and the starting five from Queens High School for Construction Trades are ready to kick some serious Brooklyn ass so bring it on.

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